I saw this on Facebook, "Don' t let your struggles become your identity." That reads easier than it is. My mom was diagnosed with leukemia less than one month ago but it seems or I have let it become my life. Aimee even mentioned yesterday that I said our home health care nurse, and she reminded me that it was grandma' s nurse not mine. My response it seems like we are one and the same sometimes. I imagine that is why a simple walk yesterday that used to be my life was wonderful AND mopping the floor, a task that may seem mundane but it represented my life before Dec. 14.
How to reconcile who I am, who mom is, and her cancer and that it is just something we have to do, deal with, and, yes, it is a part of us but it is not us. She had been in the hospital for 3 weeks, daily traveling and visits almost consumed me. Relief came with moving her from Idaho to San Diego and I could go to my own home, sleep in my own bed, and feel loving support from Craig. More support was welcomed when Anthony, Jana, and Zoe came; beautiful, beautiful support! But a different experience this year compared to last year. A small Christmas celebration and just a few simple quiet moments at home, although we did get a visit to the beach. We have to do that, it is tradition and traditions are more important than imagined. They build, develop, and strengthen you and life and memories. Traditions are an essential part of building your identity; good, loving traditions.
More relief and a moment of normalcy came when Katherine and family came. Katherine stayed with mom at the hospital while I played an afternoon away at the San Diego Zoo with her family. I loved seeing the animals, and delighted in seeing the lions and reindeer in particular. A simple thing but it was aside from where I had been and will be again. But a triple bonus came when Katherine and Desi stay at my home for 3 days and held down the fort, taking care of our mom at the hospital, and taking care of Marta, our lovely Italian foreign exchange student, and friend. Craig and I traveled to freezing Utah for our niece, Lecia' s sealing to Justin. How lovely it was to be in the temple, watching another eternal family being created and watching it be bound to our big eternal family. The beautiful celebration and amazing love and support from all our Garrett family. This family is all a part of me, who I am, what I know, and feel and believe. Being a part of family is a great worth, and me. I know they all understand and our patient with me but I desire to be aware of them too, be with them too, share, laugh, chat with them too. They are me too.
The first thing that is often spoken to me is "how is you mom?" I share, maybe too much. But what do you really say, what do people really want to hear. How my mom is, is that how I am? Perhaps it tells a little about me, how I am doing, coping and bearing up. But I need to learn it is not me, it is just the moment. It may be what I am doing in my life now, but memo to self it is not me.
We travel 3 times a week to Moore's Cancer Infusion Center for blood testing, visit once a week with her care provider, mom receives transfusions of blood and or platelets sometimes, she has home health care providers checking on her, giving a bath, and physical therapy twice a week. She was receiving an iv of antibiotics 3 times a day administered by me, that ended last night. And some days we actually have nothing to do. This is what we do, but this is not me or her.
My mom is a beautiful person, she is an amazing teacher, she is a homemaker, she is a terrific, dedicated gardener, great mother, grandmother, and great- grandmother to her bloodline children and to friends' and neighbors' children and to nephews' and nieces' children. Mom is an admirer of ocean waves, napkin user, and Kleenex hoarder. She is a adventurer. She is a daughter of our Heavenly Father who loves her and she desires to be with Him again. She is a seamstress, cook and conveyor of skills and talents. She is a farm girl and world traveler. She is a conscientious person of self, a shopper, and a saver. She is a reader of books and magazines. She is a giver of love.
I am a wife, mother, grandmother, and daughter. I am a caregiver, hiker, and traveler. I am a teacher, letter writer, and cook. I am a blogger, facebooker and pinterest follower. I am a seamstress and lover of photography. I am a reader and a walker. I am a changeling and learner. I am a testifier and encourager.
But we are not our challenges, we are not despair, we are hope.