I was listening to Les Mis yesterdy afternoon while I was driving around and heard this song, I thought the title fit at least.
Boy do I feel loved; thank you for your good words, notes, prayers, and positive vibes. It really is wonderful. It is nice to see how loved I am but I don't recommend this as a way to discover it for you.
It has been an interesting few days leading up to my surgery.
Friday was my PreOp at the hospital. It was good to drive there and map out the way (pretty direct and easy) and plan how much time is needed. Although we will be going in morning traffic it is a holiday so probably not as many people will be on the roads as normal. I drove up to Loma Linda University Medical Center and was greeted by a statue of Jesus Christ welcoming children and animals alike. I had not realized my hospital was under the organization of Seventh Day Adventist. But I do now. Seeing the statue of my Savior was a pleasant and comforting feeling because He has been with me all along. I wasn't sure what to expect at my PreOp but I knew there would be paperwork to sign, hopefully I didn't sign away my first born or something like that. Then I had my vitals taken; blood pressure, weight, height, and medical history recorded. My nurse, Jowli, said I lived a boring life - no surgeries, no alcohol, not even coffee. I like my boring healthy life. After all that I got to pee into a cup (one of the test done on all women under 55 is a pregnancy test- crazy), blood work was done probably the most painful part of the whole day - the needle was like pushing on my vein, an EKG - I was not expecting that, and xrays. Craig reminded me that they wanted to know the marker to set for what is normal with me to match doing surgery. Then they sent me on my way. The good thing about taking care of all that on Friday is now I can go in an hour later Monday morning; 7:30 instead of 6:45. I like that idea.
I went to work for a 3 whole hours. It was weird thinking that I would not be working for 6 weeks. There were a lot of thoughts like that, another was that I would not be driving my car again for 6 weeks so no need to fill her up with gas. Craig will need to take her out every once in a while to keep her happy and alive. Willy and Shelby gave me hugs and sent me off with good thoughts. Willy said he would come visit me when I feel up to it and bring me a hot chocolate; lately he has been getting me one from 7/11 with a boost of hazelnut. Shelby is ready to jump in and help me anytime I might need her too. I work at the best place.
That night Craig and I went to WalMart and purchased a few items that might be needed over the next few weeks. One of them was RaisinBran, suggested by my friend and preparation adviser Delynn Heid, just to have on hand as needed. In addition,a few favorite foods to eat before and after as wanted, Twizzlers, tortillas, and hummus.
Saturday, was busy putting the home in order. I wanted to start with a clean house; so I dusted and vacuumed. The house may not be cleaned again for 6 weeks but that is not too unusual, it doesn't get cleaned that often anymore anyway. Laundry and ironing were done. Does that seem weird? I just wanted to not have to think about all that I will feel like I should be doing but can't. We even did a little yard work. That is part of the strangeness of this. I will be off work for 6 weeks and I can think of a huge list that I would want to accomplish if it was for other reasons but I won't be doing those things. I have been compiling my list of what I think I will be able to do, such as blogging, family history, reading, photo albums, and the such. The only heads up I have is that sleeping is healing, getting up and moving is healing, and to take the full 6 weeks.
One of my friends said to do things you love on this day. I did. I spent as much as possible with Craig, I went to Stake Conference - read a little about that in the next paragraph, I went to In and Out and had a delicious cheeseburger with fries and a strawberry shake, and we drove to Carlsbad and watch and listened to the waves come in and out. And I fell asleep in Craig's arms, what can be better than that.
Pres. Ballif at stake conference introduced it by asking us to open our heart to what the Lord wants us to learn and hear; to think of a question that will be answered for us. I couldn't think of a specific question all that comes to my mind now more often than not is my health, but I didn't think anyone would be talking about MY health. Two themes I pulled out though about our Savior, He is the Deliverer and He is the Healer. Both were talking about from sin, but for me it was from illness, sickness, and for health. I know He heals and delivers from those too.
Sunday, I awoke with a fear and concern. Surgery scares me, the biopsy results don't scare me, the pain and recovery after doesn't but surgery and anesthetics scare me. I don't want the oxygen mask (it makes me claustrophobic), I don't want to get nauseous from it (my brother and daughter did), and I don't want to die in surgery. Craig said they are a lot more things that can kill you. Logically I know that and I know thousands of people have surgery every day but I was scared. Than about 12:30 this afternoon I had a break through, I have been trusting God all along and have felt his comfort that all will be well no matter how long or short this path is, if all is going to be well then I am not going to die in surgery.
I am on a liquid diet all day today. WHEN you can't eat anything, everything looks good, it is always on you mind too. When I look at the tangerines and bananas I have to remind myself I can't eat them right now. I can have Jello (as long as it is not red or purple) who knew Jello would taste so delicious. You also do a bowel cleansing - luckily not as intense as preparation for a colonoscopy, but you stay home. (TMI - perhaps, but part of my writing is to remember everything for me, to record my thoughts, and to be informative for others if needed or wanted)
I recently heard a short snippet about Lisa Bonchek Adams (she is dying from stage IV breast cancer) who blogs about her own journey, there are those who don't think she should be giving all this information and details. I haven't read her blogs but I admire her, I am doing something similar in my own little way and I feel it is important for me to do. Maybe she shares too much, maybe there are those who don't want to hear but for me right now I am taking this approach, if you don't want to know, don't read. She is writing for her own therapy and family and I am doing the same.
I packed a bag with what I thought I might need or use at the hospital - reading material, glass case, clothes to wear home, toothbrush, socks. I don't remember what I put in a bag for the hospital when I had my babies, I suppose the most important things was clothes to wear home and my toothbrush. I have my Kindle too, there is free internet there, but I don't know what I will feel like doing. Craig will be calling my sister, our kids, and his mom after the surgery and we are settled. They will be our informants.
Craig along with our family home teacher, Bro. Sandstrom, gave me a priesthood blessing tonight. I know the words Craig shared were what I wanted to hear, what he wanted to say but I also know it was what he was suppose to say. They were good words. I trusted Craig to say only the things that Heavenly Father wanted him to say.
Tomorrow when I wake up (hopefully I can sleep well enough) I will be heading to the hospital and going in for surgery at 8:45. There are 2 hours set aside for what might be needed in my surgery. After I wake up Craig and I will receive a report of the surgery, the biopsy, and everything. Honestly, I won't be surprised if it is all good, even better than expected but I won't be surprised if it is just the start of a longer unknown path. I have discovered I am not on this path alone, not even the slightest bit.
Love you, truly love you.
Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Sunday, January 12, 2014
another step
Next Saturday evening I intend to go out to dinner and eat a favorite meal because on Sunday it is going to be all washed out of my system and I will be on a liquid diet for 24 hours then on to nothing from midnight on. I haven't decided if that means Trupanios here in Fallbrook or In n' Out in Oceanside. They are on 2 different ends of the meal spectrum but favorites non the less.
Since we last spoke I discovered I am not perfect - ha ha ha. Today a bit of anxiety set in, right after dinner I was just sitting there feeling tired and recognizing I felt tired because I felt anxious. I awoke around 5 this morning and my brain would not shut off with the thoughts of what I need to do, what is going to happen, wondering about the outcome, ... for the next 2 hours and until I finally popped myself out of bed.
Though I had had experiences to give me comfort. Saturday night, Craig and I went to the temple. The temple can and is a place of peace, refuge, learning, and revelation. One thing that happens everyday in our temples is a prayer, specifically for those who need comfort, healing, and peace. The prayer is asking that the faith of those that day at the temple is on behalf of those whose names are on prayer rolls. I knew my name was on the prayer roll that day, I had been told by friends they wrote my name on it. It was an enlightening feeling knowing that those that day were exercising their faith for me even though they don't know what I need exactly or even my name but that the prayer is given for real people with real challenges and concerns which I am one of.
During the church meeting today we sang this song "O God, Our Help in Ages Past". We rarely sing this song; it says: "Sufficient is thine arm alone" and "O God, our help in ages past, our hope for years to come." Remembering how my Heavenly Father knows me, I can not say this song was chosen by chance, there is just no way.
But I am human and I let the perfectly normal feelings of anxiety/apprehension creep in. I still don't know the answers. Craig said, he is in the business to know the outcome. This is his job but we can't know the outcome, predict it, or even change it. But we hope to be as secure as possible in the answer of "not yet."
Since we last spoke I discovered I am not perfect - ha ha ha. Today a bit of anxiety set in, right after dinner I was just sitting there feeling tired and recognizing I felt tired because I felt anxious. I awoke around 5 this morning and my brain would not shut off with the thoughts of what I need to do, what is going to happen, wondering about the outcome, ... for the next 2 hours and until I finally popped myself out of bed.
Though I had had experiences to give me comfort. Saturday night, Craig and I went to the temple. The temple can and is a place of peace, refuge, learning, and revelation. One thing that happens everyday in our temples is a prayer, specifically for those who need comfort, healing, and peace. The prayer is asking that the faith of those that day at the temple is on behalf of those whose names are on prayer rolls. I knew my name was on the prayer roll that day, I had been told by friends they wrote my name on it. It was an enlightening feeling knowing that those that day were exercising their faith for me even though they don't know what I need exactly or even my name but that the prayer is given for real people with real challenges and concerns which I am one of.
During the church meeting today we sang this song "O God, Our Help in Ages Past". We rarely sing this song; it says: "Sufficient is thine arm alone" and "O God, our help in ages past, our hope for years to come." Remembering how my Heavenly Father knows me, I can not say this song was chosen by chance, there is just no way.
But I am human and I let the perfectly normal feelings of anxiety/apprehension creep in. I still don't know the answers. Craig said, he is in the business to know the outcome. This is his job but we can't know the outcome, predict it, or even change it. But we hope to be as secure as possible in the answer of "not yet."
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
The Path before me
The path. Sometimes you start down a path that you did not choose, I am on one of those now. I would never have chosen this path for me or for anyone else at least not consciously but I am walking, sometimes stumbling down it. And so since this path is before me and my feet are trodding on it I go forth partly because I really want to get to the end of this path and partly because I don't have the choice any more. It has been put in front of me for a purpose whether solely my own or not. Some paths are beautiful, some are dangerous, some bring fear, some bring hope, some bring a lot of unknowns - this path is all and more.
When did I begin walking down this path I don't really know. Did it start years ago or did it begin at my own yearly physical. Since I am not sure I will begin where I came to the realization of my path.
A timeline might be the best presentation with my commentaries.
October - Craig sends me reminders that we need to have our yearly physicals (just the act of them gives us a discount on our insurance)
November - finally I set mine up for December 5
December 5 - I am meeting with Dr. Stigen and having a nice visit with the typical female exam going on when she stops and rechecks feeling around my pelvic area. Dr. Stigen asks me a few questions and then says feel here, on my right side (gooshey) and on my left side (solid) (wait a minute - solid is not normal, I do not have a six pack) and the next thing I know I am given information for an ultrasound to be scheduled
December 6 - Ultrasound is scheduled for December 16 after I get back from visiting Anthony, Jana, and Zoe; I am not letting this get in the way of my time with them
December 15 - I am meeting with Craig (as my bishop of my church) as part of our end of the year tithing meeting, he asks me about how I am feeling about my ultrasound tomorrow. I am nervous a bit, I don't really know what to think. I tell him I have been talking with Heavenly Father and letting Him know all the things I still have planned but mostly 2 plans I really don't want to ever miss out on - missions with Craig and playing with each and everyone of my grandchildren (I have 1 with another on the way but hopes for more (lots more). I worry because my dad died young and only knew 4 of his grandchildren, my brother died young and his grandchildren miss him, I don't want that for my grandchildren. He expresses wonder why I have not asked him for a blessing and I do on the spot. I had wanted to but just had not yet. Craig invites Br. F in to assist with the blessing. It is a sweet blessing, two things I grabbed a hold of from the words were "your faith will get you through this and support you" and "I bless you with a long full life". ( I keep telling Heavenly Father I am planning on holding Him to that)
Somewhere along the line in my conversations with Heavenly Father I have been telling him; I want to go on several missions with Craig, I want to play with all my grandchildren and watch them grow up, and I don't want to lose my hair but if I have to give something up - I will give up my hair.
December 16 - Believe it or not but I am calm going in for my ultrasound - I testify that the blessing had a lot to do with it or everything. It was an interesting ultrasound, very similar to the one I had when Aimee was born minus 1 day, but this one also included a vagina ultrasound - totally new experience. It went smoothly, no hiccups, no invasion feeling. The sonographer was kind, calm, and quiet. I wondered if internally they are freaking out sometimes - seeing what is inside a person's body- it is a gift they have to do their job and then send the report to the doctor without peeping a sound about what is going on or what they are seeing inside a person.
December 16 - Dr. Stigen calls me and calmly and quietly tells me there is a mass inside my body that is 14 cm surrounded by fluid. She says she wants me to see an oncologist and have a blood test done called CA-125. Its job is a indicator/marker for ovarian cancer. She asks if I have any questions but I don't know what to ask. The appointment is set up at the lab for the blood work the next day. The internet becomes a search for whatever I can read on ovarian cancer. After work, I go home and tell Craig and he pulls the kids in with a 3 way cell phone conversation. I kept thinking I don't want them to worry, let's tell them after I have seen the oncologist. But I know how wise and in tune Craig was because the prayers on my behalf started immediately. One thing I remember from the phone call was Nate interrupting me and saying "Ellen don't worry about us, what matters is you and we will be there for you and go with you if your appointment happens when we are in town." Another calming effect. Craig also writes on facebook - " During this season of joy and gladness we give thanks to our creator for this amazing journey that we call life; full of triumphs and trials. My sweetie Ellen is facing one of those temporary trials. A pelvic exam at the Dr's. office found a big lump that will be explored further with the oncologist in the coming days. Faith and prayers are powerful cures, they are both welcomed and appreciated." And the words of peace, comfort, and prayers came flowing.
December 17 - I pick up the information about my oncologist - I never thought I would ever be saying those 2 words "my oncologist" and set up my appointment. The first one available is January 3 with Dr. Sue Ghosh - her specialty is gynecology oncology. Everyone asks me how can I wait for January but I realize it is okay. I would think doctors don't really want to get into a new challenge during the holidays, they probably have the holidays off and their offices closed anyway and this will allow me to concentrate my time on family that is coming during the holiday. But truly how do I wait without going crazy or nervous or anxious - I feel peace, I feel calm, I feel trust in my Heavenly Father. I know I feel all those things because there are about a billion trillion people praying for me or at least 6 plus some (Craig, Anthony, Jana, Nate, Aimee, and me)
I also go to the lab and have my blood drawn for the CA 125 test, the lab technician chats with me about Christmas shopping - she has 4 or 5 nephews and nieces to still buy for because she loves her extended family and that is who she will be spending her Christmas with - I know it is her way at putting me at ease but it was a sweet conversation too, feeling the love she has for her family.
Holiday Season - my family came; Aimee and Nate for a full week, Anthony and Zoe for a couple of days (we were sorry that Jana had to work). It was so fun having family around. I played and laughed and gave hugs. I felt calm and happy. I continued my investigations on information about ovarian cancer as I waited for my appointment in a couple of weeks. I talked with friends and felt immense love from each of them. Craig was extremely attentive; doing basically whatever I wanted to do - which really was just spending time with family.
My daily prayers are thanking Heavenly Father for each day, each and every one of them. I wake up in the morning and I realized I have been given a gift of another day to live and enjoy. What a blessing! I truly hope I can remember to be grateful for each day. It might take a few reminders because I am planning on about 20,000 more.
December 26 - dinner and visiting with Craig's sister Velyn and her family, Katie and Bryce are there. Katie is a sonographer (I really don't know if that is the correct name but I believe you know what I am talking about). I mentioned how impressed I was with mine and that it takes a very special gift to do that job. Later I am talking with Bryce and he says we are praying for you, I express my gratitude and say I can feel the help it is for me and that there are probably about a hundred people praying for me and Bryce says more - hundreds - and I realize that is true. Amazing true, those prayers are what are sustaining me and enabling me to be calm and at peace.
January 1 - New Year's Day and Craig and I spent it doing yard work, at some point he turns to me and says do you know I am planning on going with you on Friday. A wave of relief sweeps over me, I am happy he is going with me. I wasn't doing it alone, Shelby - my friend and coworker, was going with me but to have Craig be with me is allows me to feel so much calmer and now I don't have to worry about how I was going to tell him whatever the doctor said.
January 2 - Tomorrow is my first visit with Dr. Ghosh, wishing it would be the last but knowing it will not be. I know you can't believe everything you have read on the internet but seriously it is helpful, it gives you some insight of what to expect.
January 3 - My appointment is at 12:30 today; I have had a few texts from family and friends wondering what time the appointment is and letting me know they are praying for me. Dr. Ghosh's office is in San Marcos - I have it all mapped out - we leave in time to get there with about 15 minutes to spare. I don't want to be late. Craig and I talk about the possibilities and some of the things I have read about. We miss the turn and I start to freak out a tiny bit not even thinking clear but Craig has me look at the map again and I realize we can turn off the road we are currently driving on and not have to travel back a few roads at all.
The waiting room of the office is painted a pale green with stone tile flooring and a waterfall - one of those flat waterfalls - and other forestry looking things; all for the purpose of a calming effect. Craig and I sit down and hold hands. He asks me if I am cold, yes I am but not because it is cold and I shouldn't be cold, but I am cold and shaking out of nerves. This is where it was really hitting me, the apprehension. I am going to find out something here, at least have some clue about what is going on in my body.
The nurse, Sully, calls us back and is very friendly and nice with a calming voice. She takes my blood pressure and asks if I am nervous - yes! - my blood pressure was 138 over 80, my normal blood pressure is 120 over 60. Sully explains Dr. Ghosh will come talk to us first, then do an exam, and then come talk to us again. When Dr. Ghosh comes in she wants to know first if I understand why I was there; something about the possibility of ovarian cancer, a tumor 14 cm, solid mass with fluid surrounding it. Yup, I got it all. She explained that my tumor is like half solid mass and half fluid; kind of unusual. She couldn't tell if it was attached to one ovary or both it is basically covering both of them from the looks of the ultrasound. She also receives my blood test and tells me it is 4.4 - above 4.4 is high and an indicator for ovarian cancer, below 4.4 is abnormal but 4.4 really doesn't tell us anything. She asks me how I am feeling which is basically healthy; since this has all been drawn to my attention I am a little more aware of pressure and bloating but I feel good. No pain, no lose of appetite, no fatigue, no night sweats, etc. She likes that, that is truly a good indicator to her of how she thinks this will all play out. After the internal exam, Craig and I are received into the consultation room where we will discuss the what is next plan.
The plan - a full hysterectomy along with the removal of the tumor. She will be making an incision and wants to take that bugger out all in one piece. While I am asleep, the tumor will be biopsied to see if it is benign or cancerous - praying for benign- if benign we finish there. If cancerous the lymph nodes will be taken out and tested if they are benign we can call it good too, but if they are cancerous we will take the next step; which is possible chemo and radiation. Lots of praying for benign. Dr. Ghosh thinks it can go either way, she says she thinks my tumor is a borderline tumor. Which takes me to a whole other level of reading and discovery along with reading about hysterectomies. We scheduled surgery, January 20 at Loma Linda Hospital in Murrieta - first surgery available.
I walked into my appointment apprehensively nervous and walked out calm, truly calm. I felt/feel like this is the right step next in the path. It still leaves a lot of unknowns but I am handling those because of the good vibes and prayers coming my way. I know that I am receiving a lot of comfort from my Heavenly Father.
January 3 - Craig and I together go to the temple. I am able to have some contemplation time there, mediating, praying, and reading scriptures. I read this:
"O that thou hadst hearkened to my commandments—then had thy peace been as a river, and thy righteousness as the waves of the sea." 1 Nephi 20:18
My peace has been a river flowing to me.
Although I may put on a show of calmness don't believe I am not thinking about this. It invades my dreams and most of my consciousness. Truly the thoughts never go away but I also am placing a lot of faith in miracles - definitely been doing a lot of reading about Jesus' healings. There is no reason not to believe the best and we will take this path one step at a time even into the dark and unknown.
stay tuned -
When did I begin walking down this path I don't really know. Did it start years ago or did it begin at my own yearly physical. Since I am not sure I will begin where I came to the realization of my path.
A timeline might be the best presentation with my commentaries.
October - Craig sends me reminders that we need to have our yearly physicals (just the act of them gives us a discount on our insurance)
November - finally I set mine up for December 5
December 5 - I am meeting with Dr. Stigen and having a nice visit with the typical female exam going on when she stops and rechecks feeling around my pelvic area. Dr. Stigen asks me a few questions and then says feel here, on my right side (gooshey) and on my left side (solid) (wait a minute - solid is not normal, I do not have a six pack) and the next thing I know I am given information for an ultrasound to be scheduled
December 6 - Ultrasound is scheduled for December 16 after I get back from visiting Anthony, Jana, and Zoe; I am not letting this get in the way of my time with them
December 15 - I am meeting with Craig (as my bishop of my church) as part of our end of the year tithing meeting, he asks me about how I am feeling about my ultrasound tomorrow. I am nervous a bit, I don't really know what to think. I tell him I have been talking with Heavenly Father and letting Him know all the things I still have planned but mostly 2 plans I really don't want to ever miss out on - missions with Craig and playing with each and everyone of my grandchildren (I have 1 with another on the way but hopes for more (lots more). I worry because my dad died young and only knew 4 of his grandchildren, my brother died young and his grandchildren miss him, I don't want that for my grandchildren. He expresses wonder why I have not asked him for a blessing and I do on the spot. I had wanted to but just had not yet. Craig invites Br. F in to assist with the blessing. It is a sweet blessing, two things I grabbed a hold of from the words were "your faith will get you through this and support you" and "I bless you with a long full life". ( I keep telling Heavenly Father I am planning on holding Him to that)
Somewhere along the line in my conversations with Heavenly Father I have been telling him; I want to go on several missions with Craig, I want to play with all my grandchildren and watch them grow up, and I don't want to lose my hair but if I have to give something up - I will give up my hair.
December 16 - Believe it or not but I am calm going in for my ultrasound - I testify that the blessing had a lot to do with it or everything. It was an interesting ultrasound, very similar to the one I had when Aimee was born minus 1 day, but this one also included a vagina ultrasound - totally new experience. It went smoothly, no hiccups, no invasion feeling. The sonographer was kind, calm, and quiet. I wondered if internally they are freaking out sometimes - seeing what is inside a person's body- it is a gift they have to do their job and then send the report to the doctor without peeping a sound about what is going on or what they are seeing inside a person.
December 16 - Dr. Stigen calls me and calmly and quietly tells me there is a mass inside my body that is 14 cm surrounded by fluid. She says she wants me to see an oncologist and have a blood test done called CA-125. Its job is a indicator/marker for ovarian cancer. She asks if I have any questions but I don't know what to ask. The appointment is set up at the lab for the blood work the next day. The internet becomes a search for whatever I can read on ovarian cancer. After work, I go home and tell Craig and he pulls the kids in with a 3 way cell phone conversation. I kept thinking I don't want them to worry, let's tell them after I have seen the oncologist. But I know how wise and in tune Craig was because the prayers on my behalf started immediately. One thing I remember from the phone call was Nate interrupting me and saying "Ellen don't worry about us, what matters is you and we will be there for you and go with you if your appointment happens when we are in town." Another calming effect. Craig also writes on facebook - " During this season of joy and gladness we give thanks to our creator for this amazing journey that we call life; full of triumphs and trials. My sweetie Ellen is facing one of those temporary trials. A pelvic exam at the Dr's. office found a big lump that will be explored further with the oncologist in the coming days. Faith and prayers are powerful cures, they are both welcomed and appreciated." And the words of peace, comfort, and prayers came flowing.
December 17 - I pick up the information about my oncologist - I never thought I would ever be saying those 2 words "my oncologist" and set up my appointment. The first one available is January 3 with Dr. Sue Ghosh - her specialty is gynecology oncology. Everyone asks me how can I wait for January but I realize it is okay. I would think doctors don't really want to get into a new challenge during the holidays, they probably have the holidays off and their offices closed anyway and this will allow me to concentrate my time on family that is coming during the holiday. But truly how do I wait without going crazy or nervous or anxious - I feel peace, I feel calm, I feel trust in my Heavenly Father. I know I feel all those things because there are about a billion trillion people praying for me or at least 6 plus some (Craig, Anthony, Jana, Nate, Aimee, and me)
I also go to the lab and have my blood drawn for the CA 125 test, the lab technician chats with me about Christmas shopping - she has 4 or 5 nephews and nieces to still buy for because she loves her extended family and that is who she will be spending her Christmas with - I know it is her way at putting me at ease but it was a sweet conversation too, feeling the love she has for her family.
Holiday Season - my family came; Aimee and Nate for a full week, Anthony and Zoe for a couple of days (we were sorry that Jana had to work). It was so fun having family around. I played and laughed and gave hugs. I felt calm and happy. I continued my investigations on information about ovarian cancer as I waited for my appointment in a couple of weeks. I talked with friends and felt immense love from each of them. Craig was extremely attentive; doing basically whatever I wanted to do - which really was just spending time with family.
My daily prayers are thanking Heavenly Father for each day, each and every one of them. I wake up in the morning and I realized I have been given a gift of another day to live and enjoy. What a blessing! I truly hope I can remember to be grateful for each day. It might take a few reminders because I am planning on about 20,000 more.
December 26 - dinner and visiting with Craig's sister Velyn and her family, Katie and Bryce are there. Katie is a sonographer (I really don't know if that is the correct name but I believe you know what I am talking about). I mentioned how impressed I was with mine and that it takes a very special gift to do that job. Later I am talking with Bryce and he says we are praying for you, I express my gratitude and say I can feel the help it is for me and that there are probably about a hundred people praying for me and Bryce says more - hundreds - and I realize that is true. Amazing true, those prayers are what are sustaining me and enabling me to be calm and at peace.
January 1 - New Year's Day and Craig and I spent it doing yard work, at some point he turns to me and says do you know I am planning on going with you on Friday. A wave of relief sweeps over me, I am happy he is going with me. I wasn't doing it alone, Shelby - my friend and coworker, was going with me but to have Craig be with me is allows me to feel so much calmer and now I don't have to worry about how I was going to tell him whatever the doctor said.
January 2 - Tomorrow is my first visit with Dr. Ghosh, wishing it would be the last but knowing it will not be. I know you can't believe everything you have read on the internet but seriously it is helpful, it gives you some insight of what to expect.
January 3 - My appointment is at 12:30 today; I have had a few texts from family and friends wondering what time the appointment is and letting me know they are praying for me. Dr. Ghosh's office is in San Marcos - I have it all mapped out - we leave in time to get there with about 15 minutes to spare. I don't want to be late. Craig and I talk about the possibilities and some of the things I have read about. We miss the turn and I start to freak out a tiny bit not even thinking clear but Craig has me look at the map again and I realize we can turn off the road we are currently driving on and not have to travel back a few roads at all.
The waiting room of the office is painted a pale green with stone tile flooring and a waterfall - one of those flat waterfalls - and other forestry looking things; all for the purpose of a calming effect. Craig and I sit down and hold hands. He asks me if I am cold, yes I am but not because it is cold and I shouldn't be cold, but I am cold and shaking out of nerves. This is where it was really hitting me, the apprehension. I am going to find out something here, at least have some clue about what is going on in my body.
The nurse, Sully, calls us back and is very friendly and nice with a calming voice. She takes my blood pressure and asks if I am nervous - yes! - my blood pressure was 138 over 80, my normal blood pressure is 120 over 60. Sully explains Dr. Ghosh will come talk to us first, then do an exam, and then come talk to us again. When Dr. Ghosh comes in she wants to know first if I understand why I was there; something about the possibility of ovarian cancer, a tumor 14 cm, solid mass with fluid surrounding it. Yup, I got it all. She explained that my tumor is like half solid mass and half fluid; kind of unusual. She couldn't tell if it was attached to one ovary or both it is basically covering both of them from the looks of the ultrasound. She also receives my blood test and tells me it is 4.4 - above 4.4 is high and an indicator for ovarian cancer, below 4.4 is abnormal but 4.4 really doesn't tell us anything. She asks me how I am feeling which is basically healthy; since this has all been drawn to my attention I am a little more aware of pressure and bloating but I feel good. No pain, no lose of appetite, no fatigue, no night sweats, etc. She likes that, that is truly a good indicator to her of how she thinks this will all play out. After the internal exam, Craig and I are received into the consultation room where we will discuss the what is next plan.
The plan - a full hysterectomy along with the removal of the tumor. She will be making an incision and wants to take that bugger out all in one piece. While I am asleep, the tumor will be biopsied to see if it is benign or cancerous - praying for benign- if benign we finish there. If cancerous the lymph nodes will be taken out and tested if they are benign we can call it good too, but if they are cancerous we will take the next step; which is possible chemo and radiation. Lots of praying for benign. Dr. Ghosh thinks it can go either way, she says she thinks my tumor is a borderline tumor. Which takes me to a whole other level of reading and discovery along with reading about hysterectomies. We scheduled surgery, January 20 at Loma Linda Hospital in Murrieta - first surgery available.
I walked into my appointment apprehensively nervous and walked out calm, truly calm. I felt/feel like this is the right step next in the path. It still leaves a lot of unknowns but I am handling those because of the good vibes and prayers coming my way. I know that I am receiving a lot of comfort from my Heavenly Father.
January 3 - Craig and I together go to the temple. I am able to have some contemplation time there, mediating, praying, and reading scriptures. I read this:
"O that thou hadst hearkened to my commandments—then had thy peace been as a river, and thy righteousness as the waves of the sea." 1 Nephi 20:18
My peace has been a river flowing to me.
Although I may put on a show of calmness don't believe I am not thinking about this. It invades my dreams and most of my consciousness. Truly the thoughts never go away but I also am placing a lot of faith in miracles - definitely been doing a lot of reading about Jesus' healings. There is no reason not to believe the best and we will take this path one step at a time even into the dark and unknown.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
My mom has leukemia
I saw this on Facebook, "Don' t let your struggles become your identity." That reads easier than it is. My mom was diagnosed with leukemia less than one month ago but it seems or I have let it become my life. Aimee even mentioned yesterday that I said our home health care nurse, and she reminded me that it was grandma' s nurse not mine. My response it seems like we are one and the same sometimes. I imagine that is why a simple walk yesterday that used to be my life was wonderful AND mopping the floor, a task that may seem mundane but it represented my life before Dec. 14.
How to reconcile who I am, who mom is, and her cancer and that it is just something we have to do, deal with, and, yes, it is a part of us but it is not us. She had been in the hospital for 3 weeks, daily traveling and visits almost consumed me. Relief came with moving her from Idaho to San Diego and I could go to my own home, sleep in my own bed, and feel loving support from Craig. More support was welcomed when Anthony, Jana, and Zoe came; beautiful, beautiful support! But a different experience this year compared to last year. A small Christmas celebration and just a few simple quiet moments at home, although we did get a visit to the beach. We have to do that, it is tradition and traditions are more important than imagined. They build, develop, and strengthen you and life and memories. Traditions are an essential part of building your identity; good, loving traditions.
More relief and a moment of normalcy came when Katherine and family came. Katherine stayed with mom at the hospital while I played an afternoon away at the San Diego Zoo with her family. I loved seeing the animals, and delighted in seeing the lions and reindeer in particular. A simple thing but it was aside from where I had been and will be again. But a triple bonus came when Katherine and Desi stay at my home for 3 days and held down the fort, taking care of our mom at the hospital, and taking care of Marta, our lovely Italian foreign exchange student, and friend. Craig and I traveled to freezing Utah for our niece, Lecia' s sealing to Justin. How lovely it was to be in the temple, watching another eternal family being created and watching it be bound to our big eternal family. The beautiful celebration and amazing love and support from all our Garrett family. This family is all a part of me, who I am, what I know, and feel and believe. Being a part of family is a great worth, and me. I know they all understand and our patient with me but I desire to be aware of them too, be with them too, share, laugh, chat with them too. They are me too.
The first thing that is often spoken to me is "how is you mom?" I share, maybe too much. But what do you really say, what do people really want to hear. How my mom is, is that how I am? Perhaps it tells a little about me, how I am doing, coping and bearing up. But I need to learn it is not me, it is just the moment. It may be what I am doing in my life now, but memo to self it is not me.
We travel 3 times a week to Moore's Cancer Infusion Center for blood testing, visit once a week with her care provider, mom receives transfusions of blood and or platelets sometimes, she has home health care providers checking on her, giving a bath, and physical therapy twice a week. She was receiving an iv of antibiotics 3 times a day administered by me, that ended last night. And some days we actually have nothing to do. This is what we do, but this is not me or her.
My mom is a beautiful person, she is an amazing teacher, she is a homemaker, she is a terrific, dedicated gardener, great mother, grandmother, and great- grandmother to her bloodline children and to friends' and neighbors' children and to nephews' and nieces' children. Mom is an admirer of ocean waves, napkin user, and Kleenex hoarder. She is a adventurer. She is a daughter of our Heavenly Father who loves her and she desires to be with Him again. She is a seamstress, cook and conveyor of skills and talents. She is a farm girl and world traveler. She is a conscientious person of self, a shopper, and a saver. She is a reader of books and magazines. She is a giver of love.
I am a wife, mother, grandmother, and daughter. I am a caregiver, hiker, and traveler. I am a teacher, letter writer, and cook. I am a blogger, facebooker and pinterest follower. I am a seamstress and lover of photography. I am a reader and a walker. I am a changeling and learner. I am a testifier and encourager.
But we are not our challenges, we are not despair, we are hope.
How to reconcile who I am, who mom is, and her cancer and that it is just something we have to do, deal with, and, yes, it is a part of us but it is not us. She had been in the hospital for 3 weeks, daily traveling and visits almost consumed me. Relief came with moving her from Idaho to San Diego and I could go to my own home, sleep in my own bed, and feel loving support from Craig. More support was welcomed when Anthony, Jana, and Zoe came; beautiful, beautiful support! But a different experience this year compared to last year. A small Christmas celebration and just a few simple quiet moments at home, although we did get a visit to the beach. We have to do that, it is tradition and traditions are more important than imagined. They build, develop, and strengthen you and life and memories. Traditions are an essential part of building your identity; good, loving traditions.
More relief and a moment of normalcy came when Katherine and family came. Katherine stayed with mom at the hospital while I played an afternoon away at the San Diego Zoo with her family. I loved seeing the animals, and delighted in seeing the lions and reindeer in particular. A simple thing but it was aside from where I had been and will be again. But a triple bonus came when Katherine and Desi stay at my home for 3 days and held down the fort, taking care of our mom at the hospital, and taking care of Marta, our lovely Italian foreign exchange student, and friend. Craig and I traveled to freezing Utah for our niece, Lecia' s sealing to Justin. How lovely it was to be in the temple, watching another eternal family being created and watching it be bound to our big eternal family. The beautiful celebration and amazing love and support from all our Garrett family. This family is all a part of me, who I am, what I know, and feel and believe. Being a part of family is a great worth, and me. I know they all understand and our patient with me but I desire to be aware of them too, be with them too, share, laugh, chat with them too. They are me too.
The first thing that is often spoken to me is "how is you mom?" I share, maybe too much. But what do you really say, what do people really want to hear. How my mom is, is that how I am? Perhaps it tells a little about me, how I am doing, coping and bearing up. But I need to learn it is not me, it is just the moment. It may be what I am doing in my life now, but memo to self it is not me.
We travel 3 times a week to Moore's Cancer Infusion Center for blood testing, visit once a week with her care provider, mom receives transfusions of blood and or platelets sometimes, she has home health care providers checking on her, giving a bath, and physical therapy twice a week. She was receiving an iv of antibiotics 3 times a day administered by me, that ended last night. And some days we actually have nothing to do. This is what we do, but this is not me or her.
My mom is a beautiful person, she is an amazing teacher, she is a homemaker, she is a terrific, dedicated gardener, great mother, grandmother, and great- grandmother to her bloodline children and to friends' and neighbors' children and to nephews' and nieces' children. Mom is an admirer of ocean waves, napkin user, and Kleenex hoarder. She is a adventurer. She is a daughter of our Heavenly Father who loves her and she desires to be with Him again. She is a seamstress, cook and conveyor of skills and talents. She is a farm girl and world traveler. She is a conscientious person of self, a shopper, and a saver. She is a reader of books and magazines. She is a giver of love.
I am a wife, mother, grandmother, and daughter. I am a caregiver, hiker, and traveler. I am a teacher, letter writer, and cook. I am a blogger, facebooker and pinterest follower. I am a seamstress and lover of photography. I am a reader and a walker. I am a changeling and learner. I am a testifier and encourager.
But we are not our challenges, we are not despair, we are hope.
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