O Come Let Us Adore Him

As the ecclesiastic leader of our congregation, Craig invited me to speak at church this Sunday.   It's December and we are remembering the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ.  Naturally, I wanted to say something about that but I was also asked to talk about worshiping Christ.

I thought about how do I worship Christ.  What does it mean to worship?  to praise, to adore, to revere. One thing I do know is we each worship in our own way.  Joseph Smith said "We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates or our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may."

I looked to my Bible for direction and help in understanding how I worship and how I can worship.  And the nativity story showed me.  I looked to the "wise men" to guide me.

Matthew 2:9-11
"When they had heard the king, they departed; and, lo, the star, which they saw in the east, went before them, till it came and stood over where the young child was.

When they saw the star, they rejoiced with exceeding great joy.

"And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; gold, and frankincense,and myrrh."

1) they looked for Him and searched Him out
Their path wasn't easy, Herod even tried to tempt them.  They arrived in Jerusalem without finding Him but didn't stop there, they kept going until they found Him in Bethlehem.  I think of many who have chosen the path of baptism with no family support but they found Christ and were not going to let that stop them.  I search for Christ in reading my scriptures and find love and insights as I search the words there.

2) they rejoiced with exceeding great joy
Do you feel the joy expressed in the songs from the Primary children today.  One way I express my joy in Christ is to sing praises to Him.  I am a member of our ward choir and a lowly member of that but I keep singing because it is one way I can worship Him and find great joy.

3) they went to Him
They found Him in His home with his family.  Our time playing with our family and being with them is a form of worship.  We can worship Him at home with the love we demonstrate in our families and during Family Home Evening, family prayers, and family scripture reading.  We come together at church and worship Him here.  Going to the temple is another place we can worship Him and show our love and reverence for Him.

4) they fell down/bowed down to Him
The wise men were powerful men, sometimes referred to as magi, perhaps even prophets but they recognized Him as their Messiah and they humbled themselves before Him by bowing before Him.  They knew He was greater than them.  We humble ourselves by doing His will. Yesterday I overheard a sister say "I never say no." She was worshiping Him by doing His will.  I often ponder what He wants me to do.

5) they recognized Him as the Messiah
They testified of Him, we worship Him when we share our testimonies.  We can do it formally in church meetings or easily in our daily conversation.  I remember Pres. David Heid mentioning when you are talking about your weekend on Monday you can just as easily say yours was great and you went to church to worship Christ.

6) they gave their best gifts to Him
They gave gifts of value; gold, frankincense, and myrrh.  When we share our gifts and talents with others, we are worshipping Him.  He has given us these talents to share and we should develop them.  My son-in-law likes to take pictures but he didn't just stop there.  He studied about his camera, he took pictures, he studied some more about how to take good pictures, and he took more pictures.  His pictures are beautiful because he took the time to strengthen his gift and now shares it with others.  I was at the Alex Boye fireside a few weeks ago and one of the comments he said stood out to me.
"When we are ourselves is when we shine brightest." As we shine with our gifts and talents we are worshipping Him.

Let us worship Him, let us adore Him.

Ode to Pippin

Pippin you first came into our lives about 10 years ago to help a sobbing young lady overcome her sadness of the lost of her first cat.  You were so tiny and furry.  We loved holding you on our laps because you could fit almost in our palms, thus your name - Pippin because you were small like a hobbit.  The funny thing even at 23 lbs you still thought you fit in our laps.

I can think of all the things you loved to do; jump in boxes, swat plastic ties, bite our toes if we didn't pet you just so, sleep on our bed, have you face brushed as hard as can be imagined.

You were fierce.  Even as a little one, you growled at Natasha and showed her who was boss.  95 lb Aspen was no threat to you when you jumped on him for being in your home ground.

You were crazy, literally crazy.  Laying in wait to attack if you didn't like what we did.  Pouncing and biting and scratching because we touch you too far down the neck.  I will have many the scar to remember you by.

You were strong, pulling your heavy fat body up 6 ft to the top of the scratching post to study the birds and critters outside.

You were sly, knowing full well that at night you were put out of the bedroom so you found plenty of hiding spots - a favorite under our bed.

I will miss vacuuming up your long fur and having to empty the vacuum tank sometimes twice in a cleaning.  I will miss your pawing at my hand during dinner in hopes for a good face scratch.  I will miss your welcoming me home each night at the door and leading me to your food bowl.  I will miss your jumping into the tub after a shower to lap up the puddles.

As crazy and grumpy as you were I will miss you.  I hope you are enjoying all the catnip you can and chasing birds to your heart content along with daily facial scratches from the angels. 

What My Mother Gave Me

I am in the midst of a book titled "What My Mother Gave Me" or "Thirty-one Women on the Gifts That Mattered Most".  I started this book almost 4 months ago and it has probably been renewed about 5 times from the library, apparently it does not have a high demand on it. It is not one to be read quickly, I ponder and reflect each short thought about the effect mothers have on their daughters.  Some refer to material gifts such as a photograph or cake pan, some gave a love for cooking or a green thumb; but all and all it wasn't really the gift as much as what was thought about or remembered or learned.

My mother affected my life also.  I have wondered what I would say she gave me as in the same vein of the book.  I often say my mom taught me to sew or cook or garden.  I have built part of my life around these gifts.  I have always delighted in sewing from sewing my own clothes in high school to  a unlined suit for my dad to my wedding dress to my children's play clothes to Aimee's prom dresses to baby clothes for my grandchildren.  My yard is full of trees, planted by Craig and I, a small vegetable garden that grows a little more each yard always with a tomato plant or two, and constant supply of flowers needing replacement each season.  Now I even coauthor a cooking blog with my daughter Aimee, sharing family recipes and discovering new ones.  These skills showcase part of me.

My mother encouraged reading and gave me the love of books.  She read to my brothers, sister, and me regular family favorites like "Where the Red Fern Grows" and other books but "Red Fern" is the only title I can recall.  She enrolled me in a book of the month club, the Happy Hollister family mysteries.  Sometimes she said I read too much, hiding out in trees with my book instead of doing my chores.  I read from day one to my children although out their childhood and even into their adolescence. A book is one of my most treasured gifts to receive or give or read whether to myself or my grandchildren now.

My mother taught school for 30 years and I received my degree in Elementary Education as did my sister and brother.  My favorite responsibility of all times is to teach whether it be early morning seminary for 8 years or young women which I currently do.  The ability to have to influence someone's life with learning is a great joy and blessing.  Just the other day I received a note from a young man I taught 10 years ago thanking me for my service and example.

I believe if I really wanted to share what my mother gave me, it was being able to say goodbye.  To explain this I have to let you know that my father died when I was 26 years old.  I was living in California at the time and my parents still lived in the home I grew up in in Shelley, Idaho.  My father became sick and was in kidney failure, passing away within a couple of weeks in the hospital. Whether it was my own denial of how sick he really was or not recognizing the messages that I needed to go to Idaho to say goodbye, I didn't get or take the chance to say goodbye.  That was almost 28 years ago and I never really got over that not forgiving myself and or in actuality my mom for not plainly saying your dad is dying

But I was able to say goodbye to my mom before her death. You see my mother was diagnosed with acute myleiod leukemia in December 2012 and died from it in August 2013.  I can still recall the phone call at work that almost floored me from her telling me she was in the hospital and the doctors say she has leukemia.  I made my way to Idaho by plane, bus, and van over 12 hours to be with her and care for her the following day arriving around midnight on Saturday.  I spent the next several days with her in the Idaho Falls Hospital and making arrangements to bring her to California to live with me and seeing that she received the care needed for a few extra moments or months with her.  Not knowing how long that would be or what would be necessary.  I packed a few suitcases with her belongings for a few weeks and left what else to be mailed or returned to.  She never was able to return to her home in this lifetime.

Over the next few months, daily regular trips to UCSD Thornton Hospital and Morris Cancer Center were our lives.  Mom spent several weeks in the hospital, even through Christmas and New Year's.  My sister and her family came in, my son and his family, my daughter and her husband - although they made their way in on her 2nd stay at the hospital over President's Day.  Life was blood withdrawals and blood tests, blood transfusions, chemo therapy, and home infusions.  I learned the route from Fallbrook to Morris Cancer Center so well I could do it in my sleep which I may have sometimes.  Drive after drive, 1 hour each direction, when either Mom and I would just talk about her past or what might lie ahead.  I asked questions of her growing up years, how she met my dad, her days in college, about her gifts and skills, and about dying - her fears, reservations, concerns.  She kept saying she wasn't ready to die, she wanted to see each of her grandchildren one more time.  We knew the AML was going to take her life eventually, but how soon was the unknown.

At home, we brought in cut flowers for her enjoyment, gave her a small plot of ground to plant, pots for more flowers, and argued over what to plant and where.  I finally took her shopping for a new bed over the old "came with the home bed" she had been sleeping in.  Craig flew up to Idaho in March and with my cousins' help packed up her home, and moved her belongings to our home depositing several goods and treasures in Utah at grandchildren's homes and in Arizona at my sister's.  We were starting to settle in.

The time came where mom felt well enough for a few weekend trips around the area.  We spent one weekend visiting Hollywood and Getty Villa, other trips to Huntington Library, Cabrilla National Monument, and San Diego Bay Fireworks.  What a treat it was to show her beautiful California and enjoy being together.  We had settled into our own, a relationship of love and kindness and caring and fun times finally. 

But then she fell ill again.  You see she had been doing chemo therapy 1 week on and 3 weeks off since January.  Her body was responding well to it, well in the sense the leukemia was waning but not well in that she was losing hair, feeling nauseous, and losing strength.  We decided to take one month off from the treatment and that was one month too much.  The leukemia came back with a vengeance, exploding all throughout her blood causing fevers and weakness.  We drove back to the hospital a couple of times with long stays, anything over a few hours was too long, but the medical workers were afraid to send her home out into the world of germs.  With leukemia your body has no way of fighting off infections, even with the slightest temperature I was told to take mom to the nearest emergency room.

She grew tired of it, tired of staying in the hospital isolated from family, lousy food - at least that is how she felt about it - weak, tired, and just wanting to be home.  We finally took her home from the hospital one last time, she begged/requested me not to take her back to the hospital.  I knew what that meant.

Monday morning I called her doctor letting them know we/she wanted to be put on hospice care.  Describing her desire, her weakness, her grayness, her doctors understood the need and within moments we received our first phone call from Fallbrook Home and Hospice Care. Within a couple of hours we received our first visit from them too.  The timing was right because of all the necessary visits; hospice doctors, nurses, health care providers, and pastor that took all week long to fit in, there wasn't time for anymore.  Oxygen was ordered, pain relief medicine was received, and support was given and understanding of the path to death came to be.

Mom spent the next few days in her bed on this earth.  Her ability or desire to eat disappeared. I fed her a few favorite treats such as cantaloupe supporting her from the back with my arms wrapped around her and delivering the tiny morsels to her mouth.  Eventually that was gone too, then just minimal sips of water to salve off the mouth dryness.  Sadly, the last few days with her strength gone that meant wearing adult diapers and subjecting oneself to being cared for like a newborn baby.  Speaking was too hard, too draining, her final communication was nods of yes and no and expressive eyes.  I tried to understand and ask only questions that could be answered as such.  I tried to make her comfortable,  I held her, hugged her, kissed her, and told her I loved her.  I held the phone to her ears numerous times so she could hear the loving voices of her distant family.  And we spoke of heaven, of dad waiting for her, of being reunited with my brothers Curtis and Greg, and her parents, brothers, and sister.  When the time was right, I invited Dad to come and guide her.  He did along with her sister, Verna, the morning of August 9, 2013.

It really isn't a final goodbye; just an earthly goodbye.  But it was a gift of closure and life to me too.

Distractions (or my introspections of wildfires 2014)

May 15, 2014

Sometimes events in your life distract you and you only can think of one thing.  Yesterday and today that was the wildfires here in San Diego County.  I trolled my facebook feed constantly in need of gathering information.  Two of the wildfires were close to Fallbrook where I live.  The Tomahawk Fire on Camp Pendleton started just inside the Naval Weapons Base which borders our community of Fallbrook.  I have listened to the radio feeds, TV news feeds, and amateur radio feeds to gather knowledge.  I checked The Fallbrook Village News for updates (since it is our local paper their focus was on "our" fire.)  The Highway Fire was just southeast of Fallbrook, it is now reported to be 100% contained.

The only other time, I have felt this distracted was 13 years ago when the Twin Towers were crashed into.  Oddly enough today was the dedication of the memorial/museum.

Yesterday, morning I was first made aware of the Tomahawk fire.  It caused the evacuation of members of my ward from the De Luz housing area on Camp Pendleton.  I offered my home but no one needed it.  Blessed today that they were allowed back home.  I can tell you I didn't accomplish much at work because I kept checking on every source I could find about the fires.  We finally closed shop around 3:30, upon walking out we saw the wind had changed.  That morning it was gusting up to 40 miles per hour out of the east going west.  The heat had/is extreme for May, especially since we are know for our May Gray,  yesterday 95+ , today 100+.  I will admit that I (and know others) had been praying for a stop to the wind, it came that afternoon, at least a calmer wind.  With the wind change though, the smoke and ashes started to fall on Fallbrook.  My car is still covered with the dust and ash. 

I went home and packed.  I gathered clothes into a suitcase.  Another bag was filled with supplies like toothpaste, soap, etc. along with all my chargers, kindle, and camera.  The small fireproof safes were moved next to the door and a box was filled with photos I can't replace and my mom's history.  I had been through this before, October 2007.  Changes from then, we received an evacuation order (we spent a week at my sister's home in Mesa, AZ before receiving the okay to come home) - around 4 I received my voluntary evacuation order (on my landline, cell phone, text message, and email).  After calming myself I called Craig - he was on his drive home (it took him about 3 hours) he said if needed make sure I take the computers.  I chose not to leave, the evacuation spot was the high school less than a half mile from my home and actually between me and the fires.  All the items were placed next to our door ready for me to load in the car and head north if needed.  

I was anxious.  I came home to an eerie red cast on everything, smoke filled air, ashes falling, and the thump, thump,thump of helicopters flying back and forth with their life saving water dumping on the monster.  I was grateful to hear and see Craig walk in the door.  He felt strong that we would be protected that we would not need to leave and we didn't.  Last night,the air was calm and the skies clear that we actually took a nice walk around our neighborhood.

Craig shared a scripture last night too:  Jacob 4:6
'Wherefore, we search the prophets, and we have many revelations and the spirit of prophecy; and having all these witnesses we obtain a hope, and our faith becometh unshaken, insomuch that we truly can command in the name of Jesus and the very trees obey us, or the mountains, or the waves of the sea.'

What a powerful scripture, even the earth (basically) will obey us with the faith we need in Jesus.  My neighbor and I along with numerous family and friends via facebook were praying for the change of wind, the calming of the wind, and it took place.

Today we awoke to calmness.  The wildfires were still surrounding San Diego (9 in all) but no wind or a minimum wind.  I walked my traditional route this morning; the birds were singing (happy to be home), sky was clear and blue, but branches were askew everywhere, few other walkers, and little traffic (schools were closed).  It was a feeling of the aftermath, although there really wasn't much.  I spoke with an older gentleman (first time with him), he asked if I left - him did for a few hours - and we hoped for a better day today.

May 16 - Yesterday the air over Fallbrook was horrendous.  A brown cloud of ash overhung our area making your eyes sting and your throat feel rough.  I was very aware of the amazing service that was dedicated to protecting our little community.

The Tomahawk Fire abrupted again near the airport and an area off Alturas and near Olive Hill.  Both areas were asked to evacuate, as Craig drove home past the intersection of Olive Hill and Mission he watched a man walking his horse out of Olive Hill to provide safety.  The air power ascended and was constant, dipping and scooping up water from  Los Jilgueros Preserve.  The little pond there was a life saver and game changer, as the helicopters refilled again and again. I watched with awe and thanks as they flew over my home as many times as needed.  They were not going to give up and did all in their power to protect Fallbrook.  I know they were assisted heavenly through the thousands of prayers offered up.

 taken by Robert Greenwood

May 17 - As I walked this morning, I could see blue skies coming through the gray haze.  The weather had changed and southern California was greeted with cooler temperatures and an off shore flow.  Relief was coming, enabling the fire fighters to get a handle on the fires. Relief came to those who were anxious about their homes still being there in the morning or ready to evacuate if the call comes.

Although the sky was hazing, the sounds came through loud and clear.  Sounds of trees being trimmed or cut down, weed whackers and lawn mowers cutting back brush and weeds, and the spotter plane looking for flare ups.  The spotter plane has continued each day since.

I scan the online papers and started following The Scout Camp Pendleton's facebook page for updates.  Joy came when I read "The Tomahawk Fire was 93% contained and kept to 6500 acres.  And all evacuation orders had been lifted."  My friends could go home.  But it was a bitter sweet to read although most of the fires were contained, 18% of Camp Pendleton had burned.

I unpacked my suitcase this afternoon, the clothes only, after living out of them for 3 days.  The case with toiletries and such is still packed and I intend to keep it so.  The safe boxes and photo boxes are still packed and still by the door.  I will move them to the closet sitting together, so they can be swooped up.

I filled 6 trash cans with dry, cut branches and leaves.  I cleared one spot of my yard to not burn.  It was a task that left me with a feeling of accomplishment but awareness of hard work.  I thought of our home, we replaced our shake roof with shingles last year - one less worry.

I was not alone in my worries but each person has their own story and thoughts and introspective. And we can even laugh at ourselves.

by Vic Rodriquez (taken from Facebook)

That evening Craig and I went to the temple, it seemed an appropriate end to the week.  It was the perfect ending, such peace and direction is received in the temple.  We also drove over to La Jolla Coves and walked along the beach.  The sunset was hidden behind the onshore clouds, but it was good to see clouds, good to feel the sea breeze, good to feel.

May 18 - We awoke to a beautiful morning, the skies were blue with light, wispy clouds.  Cool air and mild temperatures were predicted for the day.  Each lesson or talk centered around what we could learn from our recent experiences.  I have been working to archive images on my computer.  My computer is first on my list to take with me.

May 19 - The recent fires are already behind us as we go forward into our summer.  We had a bit of our "May Gray" this morning just an inkling.  Looking forward to summer.

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day!

I had a friend who recently posted: "My suggestion to mothers for enjoying Mother's Day: focus on your Mom instead of yourself."

So I can't exactly do that this year, it is my first Mother's Day without my mom. But I feel okay because even if I can't give her flowers or call her to tell her I love her, I know she sees the flowers growing in my garden in honor of her and she knows I love her always.

But my way to focus on her is by living my life a little better.  I am also sharing some past posts in memory of her.

 Family Reunion Brinkman Style

A Garden

Happy Birthday to Me

A Beautiful Lady and Things I Love Because of Her

There is another reason this Mother's Day is awesome, it is my daughter, Aimee's first official Mother's Day.  She is expecting her firstborn, a son, anytime soon. I am super happy for her.  She has wanted to be a mommy since she was a little girl.  What a blessing for their family.

I hope you all have a blessed day, we all were blessed with mothers.  I hope we can remember how wonderful this is.

Sweeping the path

February 24, 2014

This marvelous, amazing, and beautiful machine called our body.

Every Sunday, there is a class at church just for young women aged 12 to 18.  I teach this class occasionally, it is one of my favorite things to do.  Truly.  For the reasons of I love the young women, I love to teach, I love studying gospel subjects, I love being with and learning from the young women.

Guidance is given about what gospel subject to teach and suggestions of how.  Each month even there is a theme.  For February the theme was The Plan of Salvation, sometimes know as The Plan of Happiness - in other words, why we are on this earth, what will happen to us next, and how to make the best of our time here on this earth.

The monthly theme is broken down into subtopics and one of those was about "our body is a temple of God".

"Know ye not that ye are a temple of God" 1 Corinthians 3:16

This, this was the gospel subject I taught on Sunday. If you can imagine, our bodies and how they work, heal, and grow has been something dwelling in my mind and heart for several weeks and months now.  I was very excited to teach this lesson.  I really wanted to focus on how wonderful our bodies are, how important the body is for our eternal growth, and how amazing and beautiful our bodies are.

I studied, pondered, prayed, read, studied, pondered, and prayed some more. Finally it came time to organize my thoughts (hopefully, I believe they were directed from my Heavenly Father under the guidance of His Holy Spirit) in preparation for the lesson.  Just so you know what really makes the lesson work is sharing, trusting, and receiving thoughts from the young women. Without their words and sweet spirit it means nothing, and they were amazing and inspiring. 

I am sharing here some of the quotes/thoughts that I had the young women ponder and respond to during the class with you.  They are quotes from prophets and apostles of these latter-days along with a scripture or two from the Holy Bible.  Plus a video, newspaper article, and youtube song (the song is corny but a fun reminder of this amazing gift of our body from God)

Yes, there are several links to follow if you want.  I couldn't pick just one.

First the song, it is from a play about coming to earth written years and years ago.  The song is called "everybody ought to have a body".  Enjoy the silly, funness of it.

The Prophet Joseph Smith taught with great clarity about the importance of our physical bodies:

“We came to this earth that we might have a body and present it pure before God in the celestial kingdom. The great principle of happiness consists in having a body."

Elder David A. Bednar stated:
"Obtaining a tabernacle of flesh is an essential step in the process of becoming like our Heavenly Father. Our physical bodies make possible a breadth, depth, and intensity of experience that simply could not be obtained in our premortal estate. As President Boyd K. Packer, Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, has taught, “Our physical body is the instrument of our spirit” (Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled [1991], 211). Thus, our relationships with other people, our capacity to recognize and respond to truth, and our ability to obey the principles and ordinances of the gospel of Jesus Christ are amplified through our physical bodies. In this classroom of mortality we experience tenderness, kindness, happiness, sorrow, disappointment, pain, and even the challenges of physical limitations in ways that prepare us for eternity. Simply stated, there are lessons we must learn and experiences we must have, as the scriptures describe, “according to the flesh” "

Our bodies allow us to do amazing things and we can let the Lord direct our path about some of those amazing things we should do with our life and our body.  Nicole Pikus-Pace won the silver medal for the skeleton in the 2014 Sochi Olympics.  Please note her statement of her participation in this sport was "because she felt it was the path God wanted her to walk".  Hopefully you have time to read the whole article because this is a woman who has chosen a path to do something fantastic with this God given gift of a body. But if you don't please accept this additional statement from Nicole:
"My faith in what we’re doing and our purpose isn’t surrounded by a color of a medal. ... That isn’t what it’s about. The journey that we’ve had, the people we’ve been able to share this experience with, and the smiles and lives we’ve been able to touch made it all worth it.”

Nicole Pikus-Pace reflects on God's path for her

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them."  Genesis 1:27

God loved us so much He wanted us to be as happy as He is and He knew the only way to do that is to give us a body, so He did.  Our bodies are created like His body, but ours are imperfect and His is perfect but we are learning to care for our bodies so they can be perfect like His.

This video explaining about the importance of physical health shows that a little bit.

Our bodies are so marvelous and a gift from God to get us back to be with Him and like Him.  But again they aren't perfect and we get sick, we get hurt, we are born with infirmities, but that doesn't make our bodies any less marvelous.

Elder Russell M. Nelson shared a beautiful statement about this:
"My professional years as a medical doctor gave me a profound respect for the human body. Created by God as a gift to you, it is absolutely amazing! Think of your eyes that see, ears that hear, and fingers that feel all the wondrous things around you. Your brain lets you learn, think, and reason. Your heart pumps tirelessly day and night, almost without your awareness. Your body protects itself. Pain comes as a warning that something is wrong and needs attention. Infectious illnesses strike from time to time, and when they do, antibodies are formed that increase your resistance to subsequent infection.
Your body repairs itself. Cuts and bruises heal. Broken bones can become strong once again. I have cited but a tiny sample of the many amazing God-given qualities of your body.
Even so, it seems that in every family, if not in every person, some physical conditions exist that require special care. A pattern for coping with such a challenge has been given by the Lord. He said, “I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; … for if they humble themselves … and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”
Stellar spirits are often housed in imperfect bodies."

Our bodies are amazing and imperfect but they can do so much and they are beautiful, each and every one of them.

I am so thankful for the amazing path I am on as my body continues to heal and grow stronger each day.  I am caring for it and strengthening it too.  I thank you for your continued encouragement, prayers, and help.

The dusty path home

February 18, 2014

It has been 4 weeks since I had my surgery and I am getting along quite well.  I have my days when my "belly" feels a bit on the sore side.  Interesting enough it is mostly sore inside (I guess that healing through all that belly flubber). I can see why my doctor said 6 weeks recovery and the prescribed down time is 6 weeks.  Although I am doing well, amazing well I believe, I am still healing.

This post is mostly about my 2 days after surgery and my hospital recovery experience.  It may be too blunt in some places but I wanted to write while I could still remember somethings.  I recognize everyone's recovery and experience is unique to them but I know I have learned from others and maybe this post will be helpful to someone besides myself.

I stayed in the hospital for 2 1/2 days from beginning to end, mostly sleeping.  Craig stayed with me the whole first day, then he came to visit me Tuesday morning before work (5 am) and for a few hours after work. He was concerned that he should have been with me the whole time but truly I slept a good part of the day.  He was also concerned about waking me up at 5 am but I was already awake because of the regular hourly rounds of the nurses and CNAs.  I know it is their job; but does my blood pressure, temperature, oxygen level really need to be monitored that often and especially at night.  

Dr. Kris Ghosh (Dr. Sue Ghosh's brother - they are a team) came to visit me my first morning.  He immediately took the oxygen tube off and stated "that just dries out your nose and is not needed", especially in my case because my oxygen level was really good the whole time.  He also ordered the caterer removed which is good because my nurse said leaving those in too long can cause urinary tract infections.  Taking care of my own needs wasn't a problem except dragging the IV into the bathroom every time and for some reason the bathroom had no heat and was freezing as far as I was concerned where in my room was just about right.

My food was a liquid diet, mostly juice and broths. I advanced quickly to pureed fruits (think baby food for grownups) and pudding cups (probably my favorite).  I had pureed chicken noodle soup for lunch which wasn't too bad but the pureed leek soup for dinner had a lot to be desired with flavor.  Milk, even chocolate milk was okay and ice cream was allowed.  But what I mostly ate was the yogurt - for about the first time in my life my appetite was low; which truly is usually for me.  Wednesday prune juice was added to the diet to get my system moving - that is the ticket home; feeling good and a moving system otherwise you stay longer.

Beautiful flowers were delivered to my room Tuesday from my sweet sweet mother-in-law, Norine.  They added just the right amount of cheer.  The rooms at Loma Linda Medical Center are all private, which is really a nice benefit.  There is no worry about privacy or noise.  I also had my second visit from another chaplain that afternoon.  She was concerned about my surgery and thought I was younger than I was so when I told her it all went well and I was already well past menopause she was glad for me.  She asked if we could join in prayer together and what would I like to have her pray for at this moment.  We decided that a prayer of gratitude was in order.

When Craig came Tuesday evening, we went for 2 whole walks around my hospital floor.  I leaned on my IV pole like a walker each time.  Craig wondered if it would be easier for me if he pulled the IV pole along but it was my strength in holding me up.  Who knew that I would go from walking 4 to 5 miles daily in about 1 to 1 1/2 hours without a problem that a 5 minute walk around 1 wing of a hospital floor would wear me out.  On Wednesday, I was feeling better and took myself on 4 walks throughout the day just to get myself stronger and moving.

Dr. Sue Ghosh came in around 3 Wednesday afternoon and asked if I felt ready to go home and I was ready, that is.  I thought I am just resting and I can do that at home, probably even rest better at home because there will not be anyone waking me up but myself.  She said there wasn't any reason for me to stay, approved my release, and wrote 3 prescriptions for me to fill - 2 pain medications and 1 stool softener.  The pain medications were to use as needed.  I could take 1 every 4 to 6 hours and the other in-between every 4 hours.  Some how I lucked out because I really only needed it at night and through that first Sunday.  My first Saturday home, I guess I was feeling too good because I did a lot of moving around the house (no work because I was restricted on that) but that night I was so tired and hurting.  I awoke at 2 am for another dose of pain medicine and I believe I slept almost all of Sunday.  Dr. Ghosh also told me my restrictions for 6 weeks; no sex, no driving, no vacuuming, no lifting over 10 pounds, no excessive labor, and no work.  What she did tell me I could do was eat anything I wanted once my bodily functions were moving, all the walking I wanted, shower as normal, and plenty of rest. 

I contacted Craig and he left work right after a meeting and picked me up around 4.  When he arrived at the hospital, I still needed my paperwork done and my IV removed. That took only a few moments.  I knew he was coming and had gotten myself dressed as best I could.  I say as best I could because all that meant was underwear, pajama pants (my clothing of choice for about 2 weeks), a t shirt, and sweat jacket.  That sounds like a lot, but there was no pants or bra going on my body.  I couldn't do the shoes until someone came to help me, which Craig did.  When you leave the hospital, it doesn't matter how well you feel, you will still be taken out in a wheelchair, it is the policy.  Sometimes you have to wait for someone to be available to take you down to the entrance but my CNA was ready as soon as I was.  One of the things I made sure of before going home was a dose of pain medicine, I remembered my boss at work telling me when he took his wife home after her hysterectomy she thought he hit every bump and it was painful, I was trying to avoid that experience.

 

The ride was not too bad, it even loosen up the gas and bowels a bit so that was helpful (I know TMI - but maybe someone besides me might benefit from the information, maybe?).  When we arrived in Fallbrook we did two things right away before going home. We went to CVS Pharmacy to have my prescriptions filled - Craig ended up just dropping them off and going back in an hour - there was a bit of a line. And we went through the KFC drive thru and I got mashed potatoes and gravy.  At that moment those mashed potatoes and gravy were the best thing ever and just the right amount of food.  I think I had yogurt the next day for breakfast along with juice.  I believe for the first time in my life I actually lost my appetite while I was "sick" and lost weight, but don't worry I have gained it all back.

The next few days were uneventful, Craig worked from home and I slept or read.  In the past 4 weeks I have read or finished 4 books plus lots of magazines.  The time to read has been extremely enjoyable and a blessing.  It has reminded me how good it feels to read.  There were 2 sweet sisters from church that brought us dinner for Saturday and Sunday.  It was so very thoughtful, they chose to bring us dinner without any requests. They brought enough food that we were able to eat the delicious meals for a few extra days.

My sister, Katherine, came and stayed with us Sunday through Wednesday and it was so nice to have her help and company.  She prepared us meals, cleaned the house, and sorted box after box of our mom's stuff.  Katherine would bring one box in and set it on the table and I would unpack it.  We made several piles of the items - give away to thrift stores, throw away, give to family, keep for ourselves, or keep to determine later.  It was so helpful to have her here for that sorting.  Katherine did so much, because she was also the one boxing up the piles afterwards too.  The thrift stores since have received their donations, items have been thrown away, there are 2 large boxes to take to Katherine's at a later date, and some to be packaged up and mail to other family members. 

I certainly am grateful for all the giving to our family - to me especially - from friends, Craig, and Katherine.  It has made my recovery and healing so much better, easier, and quicker I believe.

Keep taking those steps forward

February 4, 2014 - World Cancer Day

My first post-op was today. When I left this morning I realized it was the first, initially thinking it was the only.

Since I am still on lazy day restrictions, meaning no driving, etc. I requested a ride.  Donna Buntin took me to my appointment.  Donna and I have been friends for a few years, at first we were just visiting teaching partners but I can say it has developed to a friendship.  The appointment was for 10:30 in San Marcos, my not wanting to be late had us leaving at 9:30.  Donna's early arrival everywhere had us leaving at 9:20 thus we arrived about 10:05. 

On the drive Donna asked me if I was awake during my surgery or saw my tumor.  She said she would have wanted to know what was going on and would have said, "just a minute let me put my glasses on so I can see that tumor better."  We definitely differ here, I was happy to be asleep the whole time and not know.  I know being aware would have made it worse, I would have tensed up like I do at intense movies.  It was good I slept through it.

We settled into the waiting room and I mentioned to Donna the design of the room for the calming effect, she noticed the music and said they are even playing hymns.  Donna is a musician, more than that she has the gift of music.  "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" was playing.  It was peaceful, it was true.

I was a bit nervous going to this appointment for two reasons; my staples were being removed and I envisioned a little pain and what if the 2nd more thorough biopsy said something different from the first.   But I told myself, everyone says it is just a little tug and the doctor would have called.

I was called back, weighed, and blood pressure taken plus a discussion how they couldn't find me at one point since I told them my name is Ellen and the hospital Karma Ellen because of all the legal stuff.  But noted I am Ellen just like the nurse is Suly (part of her name, I don't know what her first name is) and Dr. Ghosh goes by Sue instead of Sutapa the name her mother gave her. I settle in the room waiting for Dr. Ghosh, Suly asked if we needed to do staple removal and I said yes, so the medical supplies were set out.

Dr. Ghosh came in, she comes and goes quickly but she is complete and makes sure her patient is okay, really okay. A review of my tumor and surgery, it went well and it was benign, benign, benign as she put it. Benign on all tests, but she said I knew it was benign when I took it out so the results did not surprise me.  She asked me how I was feeling and wanted to know if I needed any additional medicine or any concerns.  Nope, I haven't had to take pain medicine for a week now - I know that is a blessing.  You rate your pain on a scale of 0 to 10 and I don't think I ever let it get pass a 4.  Mostly of the time it is 0 as of late, occasionally like after a walk or being "active" (that is all relative -meaning a step above sitting all day) I am a little sore and around a 2, sometimes I am a 1 but that is more from irritation than anything. 

Then I lay down and exposed my lower belly and she precedes to remove the staples, all 18 of them.  I feel the tug and pull and a bit of a pinch because some of those staples were thinking they were going to become part of me.  It did not take very long, she kept me mostly distracted talking about if I needed anything and not to hesitate to use the medicine that is needed. Finally she was on the last one.  I was glad to have that part over.  Next the reminder that I am still on restriction; no driving, no strenuous activity, no lifting anything over 10 pounds (sorry Pippin you still can't be in my arms), etc. Also the care of my site, continue to shower as normal but just let the soap and water wash over it and pat dry as before.  Everything looks good and come see me again in 4 weeks for a more thorough exam.  Oh yeah, it makes sense now I will need another appointment, I am not finished with Dr. Ghosh yet, not yet but I am planning on it being only 1 more time I really think about her other than in gratitude.

I see my scar is straight now, it had looked wavy.  It looks like a bad stitching job that had to be unpicked with the little staple holes along side it.  I believe those will disappear but not the 3 inch incision, I know I also easily scar.  I had been getting used to my staples and my clothes rubbing them, now I feel each piece of fabric against the incision and holes, I am back to wearing looser fitting pajama bottoms today, maybe tomorrow too.  No walk for me today either just sitting around to lessen the times the fabric rubs.  But if all I have to complain about is a little irritation that is nothing, truly nothing.

I turn my paperwork in for the doctor's portion of disability and list my date of returning to work March 5, 2014 the day after my next appointment - I am planning on the all clear sign.

I think all of us have been affected one way or another by cancer.  Think about it and how you can help wipe out cancer, even if it is turning your facebook profile picture purple. 

Love ya

A slight detour or side path

Did I tell you in the midst of my concern for an ovarian tumor I received a phone call from the imaging lab about my mammogram?

January 2014

I was invited back in because they said they just didn't get a good enough reading.  The receptionist who called me could hear the panic in my voice as she spoke to me.  She said don't worry, if it was something to worry about your doctor would be the one making this call not me.  But to calm my heart she gave me the very next available appointment which was that afternoon. I took it.

My thoughts/prayer went something like this "Dear God, no, I don't need this, I have enough with the tumor, I don't need to worry about breast cancer on top of this. Dear God, please let it be nothing, please, please, please."

At my appointment, I was welcomed back in by the same person who did my first reading.  She mentioned something about them (who is them? - my doctor, the radiologist?) wanted a clearer view on my right breast.  This time it was a simpler mammogram, there was something specific that needed to be viewed/xrayed.

A few days later I received another call from the same imaging lab letting me know I needed another step.  There was calcifications found in my right breast, calcium deposits - microcalcifications to be exact (but I am not sure I heard that).  I needed a breast biopsy.  Their labs will do this but only the one in Encinitas had the equipment and radiologist to do it.  She set me up with an appointment, the next one available - the Wednesday before my surgery.

Probably moments after I took the first call my doctor was calling me talking to me and letting me know the same information - trying to be as informative and caring through all this that she could. Any questions for me she asked; again I had no idea what to ask, where to begin.  I caught her up on my visit with Dr. Ghosh and surgery was scheduled and that I had a appointment for the biopsy too.

After work I came home and started a new research into calcium deposits of the breast.  Macrocalcifications are coarse calcium deposits found often in aging breasts tissues and about 50% of women over 50 have them, most are benign and don't require a biopsy. Microcalcifications are small - like the size of a grain of salt or smaller.  Because of their shape and arrangement, radiologist request biopsies.  This was me.

I don't remember what I said to Craig the first time just something about well to add on top of things I need a breast biopsy.  I took a little time to tell the kids, no phone call right away just when the next time I was talking to them.  I tried to act/sound as nonchalant about this as possible, told them that it was a common thing in women over 50 and the doctor just wants to check it out.  But the prayers I asked for; more prayers please from the kids. (ha ha, I just realized my children might not want me to call them kids - they are 29 and 25- not really kids anymore) I figured I had plenty of other prayers coming my way with the tumor that I didn't need to ask friends or family for this one too.  You know I figured that the one covered it all.

It was suggested by the lab that I might want someone to come with me, sometimes they give a sedative to relax the patient and if so I would need someone to drive me home.  I asked Shelby and we cleared the work schedule that Willy could handle everything on his own.

Then I called Janet.  Janet has had breast cancer TWICE.  She is amazing.  She just talked me through the whole thing.  Is it painful?  What do they do?  Did you take the sedative?  How did you feel afterwards?  etc.,etc, etc. Janet said I could call her anytime.  Having someone to turn to and is willing to share and talk and answer questions is a calming factor.  I know talking to Delynn about my surgery and recovery was so helpful and calming.  In both cases, the reassures and answers prepare you for the best and the worst.

The day before the biopsy the radiologic technician called and talked/walked me through the whole procedure too. I asked her why people take the sedative and she said to calm them, some people also need it because they are laying face and stomach down for a long time.   Face down/stomach down, what do they do? lift you up like a car getting its oil changed and they are the mechanic working underneath you? And by the way the answer is yes.  At least where my biopsy was done. Yes, kind of like an oil change. I asked for how long, the whole procedure is about 5 to 20 minutes depending on the pathologist reading and such.  Such being how long it takes to get the sample.  But you are there for longer, the other stuff.  I decided not to take the sedative, I thought I could be calm enough.

The other thing I asked her was directions. I had goggled mapped the directions and the one complaint about the whole place was  the directions and what building it was in.  The imaging lab was in a set of buildings and which one of the buildings was it? right side of the street, red brick, large A on the front, north building, sliding glass front doors, first door on the left.

Shelby picked me up around 9:15, my appointment was at 10:30.  We gave ourselves a good hour to get there, you never know about drive time especially in the morning with work traffic.  We enjoyed talking about whatever and everything.  Along El Camino Real, we passed several food locations and I said, let me take you to lunch after this is all over.  We chose Chipotle Mexican Grill, Shelby had never been there before. We both loved it by the way - but I did feel a little self-conscious with my ice pack in my bra to ease the soreness and bruising of the biopsy.

We found it, quite easily - the A really stuck out.  In the door and checking in.  They had my previous insurance information, luckily I had already verified that my new insurance is accepted here and my new insurance lists the imaging lab as a preferred provider too.  Insurance, I am thankful for it, thankful I don't have to worry about previous conditions, thankful it will cover a good chunk of all my costs.  Each place I have gone they want money upfront. since when did you have to pay before it is fed through the insurance system.  I will meet my deductible and out of pocket in no time.  

A wait and then the call back with the technician, she showed me my current mammogram and my previous one and the changes.  She showed me the specks that were the microcalcifications and how they were a few clusters of them.  That was the concern, that they had changed and were now clustering.  There was an explanation again of how the biopsy would be, Dr. Cooper - my radiologist - came in and explained it all again.  Thorough they are. EVERY step of the procedure was stated beforehand too, no surprises about what is happening or what that prick or puff was. 

They had to take 2 samples. First they numb you and then at some point send a very small needle with a tube attached to the site where the ultrasound showed (they do another ultrasound to be sure of the exact location). Remove by vacuum the sample, run it to the lab, and x-ray it.  The first sample had no calcium deposits in it. None, zip, nada - where were those little buggers.  Another ultrasound to confirm the location, they were in the right place the first time but the deposits were not there.  A decision made, perhaps the buggers are closer to the skin level than thought, a second prick and second extraction. Run to the lab and I at this point am praying that they find what they need for the biopsy because my neck is really getting sore.

(I am being very direct and open in this next paragraph so you may choose to skip it - I don't mind)

You see I have been laying on my stomach for about 20 minutes now, with my breast hanging down through a hole, and my face turned to the left looking at a wall - a pretty wall - but a wall none the less.  There was a pillow for my left arm to give it support, my right arm is laying straight against my body, and my head and neck have no support but just turned at a 90 degree angle to the left.  

A pretty, quick return (answered prayers) with the statement, well there was one.  Quick decision that it was enough but wonderment why they are not getting more.  The uncomfortableness is finished, Dr. Cooper leaves, and the technician cleans me up. (how I wish I could remember her name because she really was super nice). 

Another mammogram is done, this time it is cool because they take the pictures like sliced bread and then thread it together.  I know that makes no sense.  They show me what they are looking at.  I see the current deposits, mostly just under the skin(?) and a few sprinkles scattered.  Dr. Cooper said, if this would have been what we were looking at initially I never would have felt the need for a biopsy but as you can see this (the clusters) are what we were looking at. Why the change, perhaps the numbing medicine blew them apart and scattered them?  perhaps, who knows. 

I know - prayers.  The thought is probably benign, but they will call me.  I got the call on Monday, the day of my surgery.  THOSE BUGGERS WERE BENIGN TOO!  Yup - PRAYERS.

A Jump and a Skip Ahead

I grew up in the 60s, know for "make love, not war".  But I grew up in a small potato harvesting town of Idaho with 3,000 residents I am not even sure I knew the term or what truly was going on in the world.  I can recall that the first moon landing was July 20, 1969 because it was my mom's birthday, making such a momentous occasion remembrance because it was in my realm of importance - my mom.

But I do remember the moment I heard the official announcement of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints proclaiming "all of our brethren who are worthy may receive the priesthood", June 8, 1978.  I had just graduated from high school and was working at our local grocery store to save money for college.  I was walking by the butcher counter and the radio was playing when the announcement was made.  My memory tells me I sat down on the floor right there and cried.

My hometown was not diverse and I really truly did not experience diversity until these last few years, living in southern California and visiting my son's family in Baltimore.  I don't know every experience of diversity but I do know it brings variety and life to this world.  We are not all the same but we "...are no more strangers and foreigners, but fellowcitizens with the saints, and of the household of God." - Ephesians 2:19

I see my family opening their arms and inviting new members of their congregation to their home to break bread with them.  I have struggled each decade that my family has moved and missing old friends and familiarity to new experience and the unknown.  Feeling as a stranger - from the outside, it would seem I would be more aware.  Craig sees new faces and welcomes them, it is my own fear of rejection that halts me. "But the stranger that dwelleth with you shall be unto you as one born among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself; for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt." - Leviticus19:34

I finally starting reading Les Miserables by Victor Hugo, it will take me years to finish as I digest each bit. But now I know Bishop Myriel.  A favorite excerpt reminds me how to be.

"This is not my house; it is the house of Jesus Christ. This door does not demand of him who enters whether he has a name, but whether he has a grief, You suffer, you are hungry and thirsty; you are welcome....What need have I to know your name?  Besides, before you told me [your name], you had one which I knew.
"[ValJean] opened his eyes in astonishment.
"Really? You knew what I was called?
"Yes, replied the Bishop, 'you are called my brother.'"

A couple of weeks ago, I attended a baptism of a sister at our church.  Her daughter came; she was a "stranger" wearing jewelry in places I chose not to.  I said hello and recognized somehow I knew her.  We found our commonality, a mutual friend, and a connection was made.  I hope to welcome her again.  


In my readings and studying of the New Testament (I once read the 4 gospels to study only the life of Jesus and His characteristics over several months) a passage came to touch my heart.

"7There cometh a woman of Samaria to draw water: Jesus saith unto her, Give me to drink.
"9Then saith the woman of Samaria unto him, How is it that thou, being a Jew, askest drink of me, which am a woman of Samaria? for the Jews have no dealings with the Samaritans.
"10Jesus answered and said unto her, If thou knewest the gift of God, and who it is that saith to thee, Give me to drink; thou wouldest have asked of him, and he would have given thee living water." - John 7, 9-11

My Savior opened His arms to all alike.  I have felt the opening arms and outpouring of love over the past few weeks.  Since the discovery of a tumor on my ovary, prayers have been united and united us to my healing.  I hope to spread my own arms wide open and see as my Savior has.  Thank you all for teaching me.


Inspired by: Ye Are No More Strangers - Bishop Gerald Causse

I can see the corner from here

I have been reading a book called "The Anthropology of Turquoise" by Ellen Meloy. She writes calm and artistically, descriptive, detailed.  Sometimes what I read influences how I write.  She noted that dates; birth dates, baptismal dates, death dates don't give you the insight into someone's life. You might know when and where; put you don't know what or why or even how. 

Monday, January 20, 2014 -Craig and I awoke and prepared for the day; I showered and shaved my legs who knows how soon I would feel capable and up to that again, especially the shaving of the legs.

That morning on the way to the hospital I received texts of love from Anthony, Aimee, Katherine, and I believe Sabrina and Cherie too.  Thank you for the love that was sent to give me comfort and remind me.

We arrived at Loma Linda University Medical Center just before 7:30 and went to our first docket. Craig described it a little like Disneyland, the different points in the waiting line so you don't feel like you are waiting too long.  We had 3 staging stations before surgery; check in, pre-op waiting room, and pre-op preparation room.  Each had its purpose: check -in to verify you are who you say you are (I mean someone else might show up to have your surgery for you), there we meet husband and wife who were waiting for her double mastectomy, bravely too.  From there, the pre-op waiting room, enough space here for multiple people possibly up to 100, we saw at least 5 other groups preparing and waiting.  Always when I check in somewhere my name catches people - Karma - my first name and yes it really is my first name.  (karma - the belief where intent and actions you do in your life influence the individual future of that life, which is pretty accurate). We saw our second husband and wife team - although I have no idea what her surgery was it appeared a positive outcome because she became the racer through the halls on my second day there (she was determined to get home to her babies as quickly as possible, fully knowing the walking was part of her healing). Here the chaplain came and had prayer with us- a prayer of belief in God, His Son, and the influence of His Spirit, although our beliefs in this Godhead are different our beliefs in His divine help are similar to know it is needed and wanted.  A short enough stay here than on to the 3 area - the actually staging spot for surgery. 

In the pre-op preparation room it is again verified who you are and why you are here to clarify that you understand and accept the surgery that is planned for you.  I was giving a throwaway hospital gown with its own built in heater (you have a little vacuum type hose hooked up that blows warm to cold air in, adjusted by you as you need), all my personal belongings where stored in a bag and my wedding ring was given to Craig to care for.  We kept my glasses with me until the end when I was wheeled away.  The nurse warmed my hand with a wet hot cloth to make the veins easier to work with for the IV - three times the charm.  She finally realized that my veins were small because of the flushing out yesterday.  The second poke really hurt and even my anesthesiologist grimaced with that one. Dr. Lee was my anesthesiologist, he told me the sedation plan - a spinal tap - but I had the choice of more where I would be aware of what was happening a little or I could be completely asleep.  I informed him I had no desire to know anything that happened during my surgery, to please put me completely asleep.  Dr. Ghosh came in and spoke to both Craig and I and wanted to make sure we were still on the same page.  She said she would let Craig know everything right after the surgery.  Craig stayed with me until the nurse wheeled me off to surgery.  From there he went to the 2nd waiting area where Cecil, our friend, stayed with him until after my surgery.  Cecil just came to be Craig's companion without invitation, he just came.

I tried to remember the hallway and the ride to the operating room, it was a basic hospital hallway and I kept wondering which room we would turn into.  I remember seeing Dr. Ghosh in my room at a table preparing operating instruments.  The nurse and Dr. Lee helped me slide myself onto the operating table, one hand gripping each side so I could feel the edges and position myself in the middle.  Then Dr. Lee asked me to sit up and curl over and he would administer the spinal tap..... My next memory is in the recovery room with Craig.  It was 9 am when I was wheeled to the operating room and I believe the clock said 12:15 in the recovery room when I was aware enough.  I don't know how long Craig had been there waiting for me.  Groggy is a good description.  At what point he told me the outcome I don't even remember. 

Craig said Dr. Ghosh came to him at about 1 hour after I was taken into surgery, she described the tumor 14 cm by 9 cm by 4 cm and it came out clean.  It was attached to 1 of my ovaries.  Everything came out well and it went well.  The pathologist's report on the tumor - BENIGN!

That is all we really need to know - BENIGN! - I know I was healed.  I know I was given the gift of being healed.  I don't know why I was given this gift as others are not but I will always know I was given this gift, this blessing.  I know how - through faith, prayers from you and family, my prayers and faith and pleading.  (Sunday night- I did not know the outcome of my surgery but it was revealed to me that it wasn't time for me to be with my mom and dad just yet).  I know I was given the gift of healing through priesthood blessings and from my Healer, Jesus Christ.  I will never deny that, it was a gift from Him.

Craig called family, I spoke to them but when they asked me a couple of days later they knew I did not remember.  Craig texted friends.  We rejoice together and gave thanks.  My eyes would not focus and Craig said they bounced around in my head, it took a couple of days for my eyes to really focus properly. 

At some point they sent Craig to wait for me in my room and I was taken there.  The elevator ride made me sick and I threw up in my shoe bag after the nurse hurriedly got my shoes out.  At some point I lost it again from the medicine. I faded in and out of sleep, Craig bared with me and stayed until about 9 that night.  Saline and pain medicine flowed into my veins.  I slept a lot, I was given liquids to digest.  I was cold, I was hot.  I had a cather so I could lie still and I not sure I would have been aware of my needs anyway.  My thoughts went to I can be there when Aimee's baby comes, I can go to Europe this spring, and I have lots to do and be grateful for. 

One More Day

I was listening to Les Mis yesterdy afternoon while I was driving around and heard this song, I thought the title fit at least.

Boy do I feel loved; thank you for your good words, notes, prayers, and positive vibes.  It really is wonderful. It is nice to see how loved I am but I don't recommend this as a way to discover it for you.

It has been an interesting few days leading up to my surgery.

Friday was my PreOp at the hospital.  It was good to drive there and map out the way (pretty direct and easy) and plan how much time is needed.  Although we will be going in morning traffic it is a holiday so probably not as many people will be on the roads as normal. I drove up to Loma Linda University Medical Center and was greeted by a statue of Jesus Christ welcoming children and animals alike.  I had not realized my hospital was under the organization of Seventh Day Adventist.  But I do now.  Seeing the statue of my Savior was a pleasant and comforting feeling because He has been with me all along.  I wasn't sure what to expect at my PreOp but I knew there would be paperwork to sign, hopefully I didn't sign away my first born or something like that.  Then I had my vitals taken; blood pressure, weight, height, and medical history recorded.  My nurse, Jowli, said I lived a boring life - no surgeries, no alcohol, not even coffee.  I like my boring healthy life. After all that I got to pee into a cup (one of the test done on all women under 55 is a pregnancy test- crazy), blood work was done probably the most painful part of the whole day - the needle was like pushing on my vein, an EKG - I was not expecting that, and xrays.  Craig reminded me that they wanted to know the marker to set for what is normal with me to match doing surgery.  Then they sent me on my way.  The good thing about taking care of all that on Friday is now I can go in an hour later Monday morning; 7:30 instead of 6:45.  I like that idea.

I went to work for a 3 whole hours.  It was weird thinking that I would not be working for 6 weeks.  There were a lot of thoughts like that, another was that I would not be driving my car again for 6 weeks so no need to fill her up with gas.  Craig will need to take her out every once in a while to keep her happy and alive.  Willy and Shelby gave me hugs and sent me off with good thoughts.  Willy said he would come visit me when I feel up to it and bring me a hot chocolate; lately he has been getting me one from 7/11 with a boost of hazelnut.  Shelby is ready to jump in and help me anytime I might need her too.  I work at the best place. 

That night Craig and I went to WalMart and purchased a few items that might be needed over the next few weeks.  One of them was RaisinBran, suggested by my friend and preparation adviser Delynn Heid, just to have on hand as needed.  In addition,a few favorite foods to eat before and after as wanted, Twizzlers, tortillas, and hummus.

Saturday, was busy putting the home in order.  I wanted to start with a clean house; so I dusted and vacuumed.  The house may not be cleaned again for 6 weeks but that is not too unusual, it doesn't get cleaned that often anymore anyway.  Laundry and ironing were done. Does that seem weird?  I just wanted to not have to think about all that I will feel like I should be doing but can't.  We even did a little yard work.  That is part of the strangeness of this.  I will be off work for 6 weeks and I can think of a huge list that I would want to accomplish if it was for other reasons but I won't be doing those things.  I have been compiling my list of what I think I will be able to do, such as blogging, family history, reading, photo albums, and the such.  The only heads up I have is that sleeping is healing, getting up and moving is healing, and to take the full 6 weeks. 

One of my friends said to do things you love on this day.  I did.  I spent as much as possible with Craig, I went to Stake Conference - read a little about that in the next paragraph, I went to In and Out and had a delicious cheeseburger with fries and a strawberry shake, and we drove to Carlsbad and watch and listened to the waves come in and out.  And I fell asleep in Craig's arms, what can be better than that.

Pres. Ballif at stake conference introduced it by asking us to open our heart to what the Lord wants us to learn and hear; to think of a question that will be answered for us.  I couldn't think of a specific question all that comes to my mind now more often than not is my health, but I didn't think anyone would be talking about MY health.  Two themes I pulled out though about our Savior, He is the Deliverer and He is the Healer.  Both were talking about from sin, but for me it was from illness, sickness, and for health.  I know He heals and delivers from those too.

Sunday, I awoke with a fear and concern.  Surgery scares me, the biopsy results don't scare me, the pain and recovery after doesn't but surgery and anesthetics scare me.  I don't want the oxygen mask (it makes me claustrophobic), I don't want to get nauseous from it (my brother and daughter did), and I don't want to die in surgery.  Craig said they are a lot more things that can kill you.  Logically I know that and I know thousands of people have surgery every day but I was scared.  Than about 12:30 this afternoon I had a break through, I have been trusting God all along and have felt his comfort that all will be well no matter how long or short this path is, if all is going to be well then I am not going to die in surgery.   

I am on a liquid diet all day today.  WHEN you can't eat anything, everything looks good, it is always on you mind too.  When I look at the tangerines and bananas I have to remind myself I can't eat them right now.  I can have Jello (as long as it is not red or purple) who knew Jello would taste so delicious.  You also do a bowel cleansing - luckily not as intense as preparation for a colonoscopy, but you stay home. (TMI - perhaps, but part of my writing is to remember everything for me, to record my thoughts, and to be informative for others if needed or wanted)

I recently heard a short snippet about Lisa Bonchek Adams (she is dying from stage IV breast cancer) who blogs about her own journey, there are those who don't think she should be giving all this information and details. I haven't read her blogs but I admire her, I am doing something similar in my own little way and I feel it is important for me to do.  Maybe she shares too much, maybe there are those who don't want to hear but for me right now I am taking this approach, if you don't want to know, don't read.  She is writing for her own therapy and family and I am doing the same.

I packed a bag with what I thought I might need or use at the hospital - reading material, glass case, clothes to wear home, toothbrush, socks.  I don't remember what I put in a bag for the hospital when I had my babies, I suppose the most important things was clothes to wear home and my toothbrush. I have my Kindle too, there is free internet there, but I don't know what I will feel like doing.  Craig will be calling my sister, our kids, and his mom after the surgery and we are settled.  They will be our informants.

Craig along with our family home teacher, Bro. Sandstrom, gave me a priesthood blessing tonight.  I know the words Craig shared were what I wanted to hear, what he wanted to say but I also know it was what he was suppose to say.  They were good words.  I trusted Craig to say only the things that Heavenly Father wanted him to say. 

Tomorrow when I wake up (hopefully I can sleep well enough) I will be heading to the hospital and going in for surgery at 8:45.  There are 2 hours set aside for what might be needed in my surgery.  After I wake up Craig and I will receive a report of the surgery, the biopsy, and everything.  Honestly, I won't be surprised if it is all good, even better than expected but I won't be surprised if it is just the start of a longer unknown path.  I have discovered I am not on this path alone, not even the slightest bit. 

Love you, truly love you.

another step

Next Saturday evening I intend to go out to dinner and eat a favorite meal because on Sunday it is going to be all washed out of my system and I will be on a liquid diet for 24 hours then on to nothing from midnight on. I haven't decided if that means Trupanios here in Fallbrook or In n' Out in Oceanside.  They are on 2 different ends of the meal spectrum but favorites non the less.

Since we last spoke I discovered I am not perfect - ha ha ha.  Today a bit of anxiety set in, right after dinner I was just sitting there feeling tired and recognizing I felt tired because I felt anxious.  I awoke around 5 this morning and my brain would not shut off with the thoughts of what I need to do, what is going to happen, wondering about the outcome, ... for the next 2 hours and until I finally popped myself out of bed. 

Though I had had experiences to give me comfort.  Saturday night, Craig and I went to the temple.  The temple can and is a place of peace, refuge, learning, and revelation.  One thing that happens everyday in our temples is a prayer, specifically for those who need comfort, healing, and peace.  The prayer is asking that the faith of those that day at the temple is on behalf of those whose names are on prayer rolls.  I knew my name was on the prayer roll that day, I had been told by friends they wrote my name on it.  It was an enlightening feeling knowing that those that day were exercising their faith for me even though they don't know what I need exactly or even my name but that the prayer is given for real people with real challenges and concerns which I am one of.

During the church meeting today we sang this song "O God, Our Help in Ages Past".  We rarely sing this song; it says: "Sufficient is thine arm alone"  and "O God, our help in ages past, our hope for years to come."  Remembering how my Heavenly Father knows me, I can not say this song was chosen by chance, there is just no way. 

But I am human and I let the perfectly normal feelings of anxiety/apprehension creep in.  I still don't know the answers.  Craig said, he is in the business to know the outcome.  This is his job but we can't know the outcome, predict it, or even change it.  But we hope to be as secure as possible in the answer of "not yet."