The Path before me

The path. Sometimes you start down a path that you did not choose, I am on one of those now.  I would never have chosen this path for me or for anyone else at least not consciously but I am walking, sometimes stumbling down it.  And so since this path is before me and my feet are trodding on it I go forth partly because I really want to get to the end of this path and partly because I don't have the choice any more.  It has been put in front of me for a purpose whether solely my own or not.  Some paths are beautiful, some are dangerous, some bring fear, some bring hope, some bring a lot of unknowns - this path is all and more.  

When did I begin walking down this path I don't really know.  Did it start years ago or did it begin at my own yearly physical. Since I am not sure I will begin where I came to the realization of my path.
 
A timeline might be the best presentation with my commentaries.

October - Craig sends me reminders that we need to have our yearly physicals (just the act of them gives us a discount on our insurance)

November - finally I set mine up for December 5

December 5 - I am meeting with Dr. Stigen and having a nice visit with the typical female exam going on when she stops and rechecks feeling around my pelvic area.  Dr. Stigen asks me a few questions and then says feel here, on my right side (gooshey) and on my left side (solid) (wait a minute - solid is not normal, I do not have a six pack)  and the next thing I know I am given information for an ultrasound to be scheduled

December 6 - Ultrasound is scheduled for December 16 after I get back from visiting Anthony, Jana, and Zoe; I am not letting this get in the way of my time with them

December 15 - I am meeting with Craig (as my bishop of my church) as part of our end of the year tithing meeting, he asks me about how I am feeling about my ultrasound tomorrow. I am nervous a bit, I don't really know what to think. I tell him I have been talking with Heavenly Father and letting Him know all the things I still have planned but mostly 2 plans I really don't want to ever miss out on - missions with Craig and playing with each and everyone of my grandchildren (I have 1 with another on the way but hopes for more (lots more). I worry because my dad died young and only knew 4 of his grandchildren, my brother died young and his grandchildren miss him, I don't want that for my grandchildren.  He expresses wonder why I have not asked him for a blessing and I do on the spot.  I had wanted to but just had not yet.  Craig invites Br.  F in to assist with the blessing.  It is a sweet blessing, two things I grabbed a hold of from the words were "your faith will get you through this and support you" and "I bless you with a long full life".  ( I keep telling Heavenly Father I am planning on holding Him to that)

Somewhere along the line in my conversations with Heavenly Father I have been telling him; I want to go on several missions with Craig, I want to play with all my grandchildren and watch them grow up, and I don't want to lose my hair but if I have to give something up - I will give up my hair.

December 16 - Believe it or not but I am calm going in for my ultrasound - I testify that the blessing had a lot to do with it or everything.  It was an interesting ultrasound, very similar to the one I had when Aimee was born minus 1 day, but this one also included a vagina ultrasound - totally new experience.  It went smoothly, no hiccups, no invasion feeling.  The sonographer was kind, calm, and quiet.  I wondered if internally they are freaking out sometimes - seeing what is inside a person's body- it is a gift they have to do their job and then send the report to the doctor without peeping a sound about what is going on or what they are seeing inside a person.

December 16 - Dr. Stigen calls me and calmly and quietly tells me there is a mass inside my body that is 14 cm surrounded by fluid.  She says she wants me to see an oncologist and have a blood test done called CA-125.  Its job is a indicator/marker for ovarian cancer.  She asks if I have any questions but I don't know what to ask.  The appointment is set up at the lab for the blood work the next day.  The internet becomes a search for whatever I can read on ovarian cancer.  After work, I go home and tell Craig and he pulls the kids in with a 3 way cell phone conversation.  I kept thinking I don't want them to worry, let's tell them after I have seen the oncologist.  But I know how wise and in tune Craig was because the prayers on my behalf started immediately.   One thing I remember from the phone call was Nate interrupting me and saying "Ellen don't worry about us, what matters is you and we will be there for you and go with you if your appointment happens when we are in town."  Another calming effect.  Craig also writes on facebook - " During this season of joy and gladness we give thanks to our creator for this amazing journey that we call life; full of triumphs and trials. My sweetie Ellen is facing one of those temporary trials. A pelvic exam at the Dr's. office found a big lump that will be explored further with the oncologist in the coming days. Faith and prayers are powerful cures, they are both welcomed and appreciated."  And the words of peace, comfort, and prayers came flowing.

December 17 - I pick up the information about my oncologist - I never thought I would ever be saying those 2 words "my oncologist" and set up my appointment. The first one available is January 3 with Dr. Sue Ghosh - her specialty is gynecology oncology. Everyone asks me how can I wait for January but I realize it is okay.  I would think doctors don't really want to get into a new challenge during the holidays, they probably have the holidays off and their offices closed anyway and this will allow me to concentrate my time on family that is coming during the holiday. But truly how do I wait without going crazy or nervous or anxious - I feel peace, I feel calm, I feel trust in my Heavenly Father.  I know I feel all those things because there are about a billion trillion people praying for me or at least 6 plus some (Craig, Anthony, Jana, Nate, Aimee, and me)

I also go to the lab and have my blood drawn for the CA 125 test, the lab technician chats with me about Christmas shopping - she has 4 or 5 nephews and nieces to still buy for because she loves her extended family and that is who she will be spending her Christmas with - I know it is her way at putting me at ease but it was a sweet conversation too, feeling the love she has for her family.

Holiday Season - my family came; Aimee and Nate for a full week, Anthony and Zoe for a couple of days (we were sorry that Jana had to work). It was so fun having family around.  I played and laughed and gave hugs.  I felt calm and happy.  I continued my investigations on information about ovarian cancer as I waited for my appointment in a couple of weeks.  I talked with friends and felt immense love from each of them.  Craig was extremely attentive; doing basically whatever I wanted to do - which really was just spending time with family.

My daily prayers are thanking Heavenly Father for each day, each and every one of them.  I wake up in the morning and I realized I have been given a gift of another day to live and enjoy.  What a blessing!  I truly hope I can remember to be grateful for each day.  It might take a few reminders because I am planning on about 20,000 more.

December 26 - dinner and visiting with Craig's sister Velyn and her family, Katie and Bryce are there. Katie is a sonographer (I really don't know if that is the correct name but I believe you know what I am talking about).  I mentioned how impressed I was with mine and that it takes a very special gift to do that job.  Later I am talking with Bryce and he says we are praying for you, I express my gratitude and say I can feel the help it is for me and that there are probably about a hundred people praying for me and Bryce says more - hundreds - and I realize that is true.  Amazing true, those prayers are what are sustaining me and enabling me to be calm and at peace.

January 1 - New Year's Day and Craig and I spent it doing yard work, at some point he turns to me and says do you know I am planning on going with you on Friday.  A wave of relief sweeps over me, I am happy he is going with me.  I wasn't doing it alone, Shelby - my friend and coworker, was going with me but to have Craig be with me is allows me to feel so much calmer and now I don't have to worry about how I was going to tell him whatever the doctor said.

January 2 - Tomorrow is my first visit with Dr. Ghosh, wishing it would be the last but knowing it will not be.  I know you can't believe everything you have read on the internet but seriously it is helpful, it gives you some insight of what to expect.

January 3 - My appointment is at 12:30 today; I have had a few texts from family and friends wondering what time the appointment is and letting me know they are praying for me.  Dr. Ghosh's office is in San Marcos - I have it all mapped out - we leave in time to get there with about 15 minutes to spare.  I don't want to be late.  Craig and I talk about the possibilities and some of the things I have read about.  We miss the turn and I start to freak out a tiny bit not even thinking clear but Craig has me look at the map again and I realize we can turn off the road we are currently driving on and not have to travel back a few roads at all. 

The waiting room of the office is painted a pale green with stone tile flooring and a waterfall - one of those flat waterfalls - and other forestry looking things; all for the purpose of a calming effect.  Craig and I sit down and hold hands.  He asks me if I am cold, yes I am but not because it is cold and I shouldn't be cold, but I am cold and shaking out of nerves.  This is where it was really hitting me, the apprehension.   I am going to find out something here, at least have some clue about what is going on in my body.

The nurse, Sully, calls us back and is very friendly and nice with a calming voice.  She takes my blood pressure and asks if I am nervous - yes! - my blood pressure was 138 over 80, my normal blood pressure is 120 over 60. Sully explains Dr. Ghosh will come talk to us first, then do an exam, and then come talk to us again.  When Dr. Ghosh comes in she wants to know first if I understand why I was there; something about the possibility of ovarian cancer, a tumor 14 cm, solid mass with fluid surrounding it.  Yup, I got it all.  She explained that my tumor is like half solid mass and half fluid; kind of unusual.  She couldn't tell if it was attached to one ovary or both it is basically covering both of them from the looks of the ultrasound.  She also receives my blood test and tells me it is 4.4 - above 4.4 is high and an indicator for ovarian cancer, below 4.4 is abnormal but 4.4 really doesn't tell us anything.  She asks me how I am feeling which is basically healthy; since this has all been drawn to my attention I am a little more aware of pressure and bloating but I feel good.  No pain, no lose of appetite, no fatigue, no night sweats, etc.  She likes that, that is truly a good indicator to her of how she thinks this will all play out.  After the internal exam, Craig and I are received into the consultation room where we will discuss the what is next plan.

The plan - a full hysterectomy along with the removal of the tumor.  She will be making an incision and wants to take that bugger out all in one piece.  While I am asleep, the tumor will be biopsied to see if it is benign or cancerous - praying for benign- if benign we finish there. If cancerous the lymph nodes will be taken out and tested if they are benign we can call it good too, but if they are cancerous we will take the next step; which is possible chemo and radiation.  Lots of praying for benign.  Dr. Ghosh thinks it can go either way, she says she thinks my tumor is a borderline tumor.  Which takes me to a whole other level of reading and discovery along with reading about hysterectomies.  We scheduled surgery, January 20 at Loma Linda Hospital in Murrieta - first surgery available.

I walked into my appointment apprehensively nervous and walked out calm, truly calm.  I felt/feel like this is the right step next in the path.  It still leaves a lot of unknowns but I am handling those because of the good vibes and prayers coming my way.  I know that I am receiving a lot of comfort from my Heavenly Father.

January 3 - Craig and I together go to the temple.  I am able to have some contemplation time there, mediating, praying, and reading scriptures.  I read this:
"O that thou hadst hearkened to my commandments—then had thy peace been as a river, and thy righteousness as the waves of the sea." 1 Nephi 20:18
My peace has been a river flowing to me. 

Although I may put on a show of calmness don't believe I am not thinking about this.  It invades my dreams and most of my consciousness. Truly the thoughts never go away but I also am placing a lot of faith in miracles - definitely been doing a lot of reading about Jesus' healings.  There is no reason not to believe the best and we will take this path one step at a time even into the dark and unknown.

stay tuned -